Tomboys: 2.0 Stars

Tomboys  -  Front Blu-ray CoverToday I bought myself a Zyliss Swivel Peeler!  It has a chunky, ergonomic handle designed to fit comfortably in the palm, whilst the hardened steel blade gives it long-lasting performance. (I’ve got the black and white version, but they make a green one too; the colours are apparently inspired by nature.)  It also has a sharp steel tip for the removal of blemishes and de-eyeing; just how fucking cool is that?  It comes with a 5 year guarantee as well.  I tried it on a potato tonight and OMG, it was like being let loose in a Bugatti EB 16.4 Veyron Super Sport (the world’s fastest production car) on a race track, after spending years in Reading’s rush-hour traffic in a Fiat Doblo (the car with the worst acceleration that’s currently available to buy in the UK; 0-60 in 21 seconds).  I was in potato heaven.  That’s worth £8 of anyone’s money.  Anyway, my Zyliss Swivel Peeler is a product of Swiss “precision design”, made by a German company in China; but hey, it’s distributed in the UK, so that probably means we’re at the top of the potato peeler food chain…  This movie is pure Australian and isn’t at the top of anything.

2009  –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  Australia

This film was shot entirely in an old shed, in Australia, at night.  It features a group of five young ladies who’ve decided to take revenge on a guy who’s been abusing one of them for years.  He’s described and shown as having absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever; (cue not very funny feminist joke about all men fitting this description).  The only real bit of social commentary in the film is a brief conversation about that fact that he doesn’t realise he’s done anything very wrong, which could have led somewhere a bit more interesting; but this is quickly thrown aside in an effort to get back to the ‘action’.  Unfortunately, most of the ‘action’ consists of the group moralising over what it’s doing, rather than simply just doing it.  Yes I want to do it, no I don’t want to do it… in the end I didn’t really care one way or the other.  The acting wasn’t going to gain itself many Oscar nominations either.  I did briefly start to feel sorry for Kat when she was describing how her life had been messed up, but most of the time I couldn’t care less about any of them.  Once or twice the acting became so bad that I started to feel sorry for the actors themselves, rather than the characters.  I have this film on Blu-ray.  I think it’s the worst looking Blu-ray disc I’ve ever watched.  I’m not sure if it was just filmed badly, or the crappiness was deliberately added post-production to give it a more ‘authentic, gritty’ feel, but it’s horrible.    The sleeve even manages to get the sound mix hopelessly wrong; there’s nothing Dolby Surround 7.1 about this film.  (Can you even get Dolby Surround 7.1 on consumer discs?  I think not.  “Toy Story 3” was the first film with Dolby Surround 7.1 sound and that didn’t come out until June 2010, the year after this film was released.)  At its most gruesome, this movie does make you (guys anyway) want to cross your legs, very, very tightly, but most of the time you’ll just be getting angry because of the quality of the picture, the crappy lighting and all the moralising going on.  The masks that are worn at one point will also baffle even the most astute viewer.  (Really, what were they for?)  Australia also appears to have the world’s most ineffective police force too.  Sure, they turn up, but the time it took them to get into the shed was pitiful.  Don’t expect anything much in the way of special effects either; it’s really not an especially gory film, although it does have its moments, just not very many of them. I did start to feel that the person who was suffering the most was me.  It could have been a good film, but it ends up lost somewhere between torture porn and thriller and not in a good place either.  “What happens in the barn stays in the barn.”  I wish.  And finally, the scene where a knife is sharpened on a sharpening stone uses entirely the wrong technique; all what was shown would achieve is to blunt the knife and trust me, it really needed to be sharp for what it got used for.

Recommended for people who want to experience real pain when viewing a film; just not the same sort of pain that’s on-screen.

No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.  It does however feature someone called Kat; and there’s an amputation too.  Looks really nasty.

Top badass moment?  Well I guess this has to be Crystal and her strap-on.  In a film with all the lighting and colour subtlety of the inside of a metal dustbin, with the lid on it, that bright splash of pink was very welcome.

Tomboys on IMDB (3.7/10)

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