Posts tagged “1992

The Untold Story / Birds Eye Potato Waffles


The Untold Story  -  Front DVD Cover (US Release)In a riveting performance that won him 1993’s Hong Kong Film Award for Best Actor, Anthony Wong (“Hard Boiled”) stars as the owner/chef of the Eight Immortals Restaurant, where the original owner and his family mysteriously disappear.  As the police, led by Danny Lee (“The Killer”), intensify their investigation, they gradually uncover the shocking truth.  Definitely not for the squeamish, “The Untold Story” is also an intelligent character study filled with dark humour touches. And remember… it actually happened!

1992  –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  Hong Kong Film
Rating Details:  Scenes of extreme violence and graphic sexual situations
6.5 out of 10

In the late 80s I stopped eating Birds Eye Potato Waffles.  This is because I got really bad food poisoning from them, twice in a row.  I can still remember it quite vividly.   I think it’s the last time I took time off work through being physically ill.  They’re the only thing that’s ever given me food poisoning, as far as I can remember.  A few months ago I decided to try them again.  The good news was, no sickness or diarrhea etc, a promising start.   (I don’t recommend trying to microwave them though, the results aren’t especially satisfactory.)  Now, these are potato waffles; they’re probably one of the Bird Eye brand’s ‘signature products’.  On the side of the packaging is a marketing highlight which proudly proclaims, “Made with REAL potatoes”.  What the fuck?  Potato waffles and they’re actually made with potatoes; surely not?  Is that really the best thing they can come up with?  It doesn’t bode well for the rest of the product if that’s the highlight.  This also left me wondering what exactly is an unreal potato.  The packaging also goes on to say each 100g of waffles is made with 109g of potatoes.  Really?  I guess an understanding of particle physics is helpful if you want to enjoy Birds Eye Potato Waffles; it must be all that ‘new physics’ stuff again.  Personally, I’d rather know that all the potatoes used are grown within 40 miles of the factory where they make them, which is what it says on its web site; I think that’s much more worthy.  Has our food become so crap these days that the fact it contains what you’d expect it to contain has become such a big deal that it needs bragging about?  (Oh, I forgot about all the horse burgers.)  Birds Eye in Europe is presently owned by private equity group Primira. One of its 11 Business Principles is “Comply with both the letter and the spirit of all applicable laws, regulations and contractual obligations”.  I guess that’s why it has its finance team based on Guernsey; nothing to do with its tax haven status then?  This film features a restaurant and food that makes people sick; and dead.

Never released in the UK, Anthony Wong plays a restaurant owner called Wong Chi-Hang and it’s worth tracking down a copy of this film for his performance alone.  The guy has some serious, anger management issues.  When he’s not feeding his clientele with the ground-up remains of people he’s killed, raping his staff, beheading children or cheating at Mah Jong, he’s being beaten up by various people, generally the police or the relatives of those he’s murdered.  For a pretty gruesome and dark film that’s basically about a serial killer, the police are presented as only a few steps above the Keystone Cops.  The senior detective and his team investigating the case don’t seem to do a lot of work, they continually belittle the only woman in the team, they happy beat up poor old Anthony with the least provocation and the senior detective nearly always has a prostitute with him at work.  It’s not often you can have any sympathy for a serial killer, but he’s clearly a product of his environment; well, sort of.  Set in Macau, this film is meant to be based on a real crime too.  It’s a bloody horror with the occasional bit of almost slapstick comedy; very watchable if you can deal with all that.

This film has a fair amount of background music, much of which is clearly inspired by the “Psycho” ‘shower scene’.  You’ll not want to watch this film for the music.

Recommended for catering students, the police and anyone who’s crap at Mah Jong.

No cats or chainsaws and three decapitations; two of the latter were after they were dead though.  It’s not often you see a child have her head cut off in a film…

Top badass moment?  In the middle of cutting a load of people up, it was good to see Anthony Wong take time out to sharpen the meat cleaver he was using.  (He forgot to wear safety goggles or gloves whilst using the grinder though.)  No wonder he was so pissed off when the cutting edge got damaged soon after.  (Maybe he sharpened the blade too finely for cutting bones; or perhaps he hit the floor with it by mistake?)  Caring about your tools, even if you’re a serial killer, is good practice and therefore badass.  They do say a blunt tool is more dangerous than a sharp one.

The Untold Story at IMDB (6.8 / 10)

The Untold Story at Wikipedia

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Universal Soldier / Being Pointless


Universal Solider  -  Front Blu-ray Cover (UK Release)The ultimate weapons of the future have just declared war… on each other.  Non-stop adrenaline pumped action starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren as genetically enhanced, unstoppable killing machines, out for blood.  A team of elite soldiers are used by the government to fight terrorism.  With exceptional physical capabilities, they seem to be the perfect soldiers, but behind their existence there is a secret; they are not human, but fighting machines, created from the bodies of soldiers killed in the Vietnam war through the wonders of advanced genetic engineering.  But things begin to go wrong when two of the soldiers, Luc Devreux (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren) begin to regain their memory – and a violent feud that should have died years ago is reborn.

1992  –  Certificate: 18  –  American Film
Rating Details: Strong violence
5.5 out of 10

Ever felt like your input into existence was kind of pointless?  Like you score a zero on the “I Matter Scale”?  I had a day like that today.  I basically spent it doing sums at work and wondering, “why?”  I guess even Superman has days like this sometimes.  And I bet Batman gets tied up in paperwork from time to time too.  This film is also pretty meaningless, but unlike my day at work it had some action in it as well.  Anyway, here’s a funny story about a soldier.  When I was little I was sitting in my pushchair one day.  Apparently a woman came up to me and I pointed my finger at her and kept saying “sod yer”.  This somewhat horrified the woman and embarrassed my mother.  It turned out I was actually pointing past the woman and trying to say “soldier”, as there was a solider standing behind her.  Okay, it’s not that funny I guess.

There’re movies like “The Terminator” and “Robocop”… and then there’s “Universal Solider”.  (And I’m not wanting to nit-pick or anything, but shouldn’t it really be called Universal Soldiers?  One Terminator; one Robocop; lots of Universal Soldiers.)  Most franchises manage at least a few decent films before they get a bit crappy, but not this one.  As an action movie it’s fine, with lots of big bangs and stuff.  As science fiction it’s okay too, with a decent idea behind it. But as far as the characters and plot were concerned, I couldn’t give a toss.  The opening scenes at the Hoover Dam are pretty good, but then it goes downhill faster than the guy running down the dam wall itself.  It’s just two, overgrown junkies with a fetish for cold baths, going on the rampage across the desert.  So what?  At least Dolph Lundgren swaggers around looking like the sort of taller-than-anyone-else boy at school, who would steal dinner money from little kids, harasses all the girls and think he’s way more attractive than he really is; in other words a natural thug and bully, (aka asshole).  Unfortunately, Jean-Claude Van Damme is too much of a pretty boy to be badass enough for anything bad.  It’s true, he does get to be the ‘good guy’ in this film, but he’s meant to be an emotionless killing machine, not Robbie’s replacement in Take That.  This movie also boasts the most irritating woman I’ve seen in a film for a long time. A feisty TV reporter (how original), she was so full of herself she was almost inside out.  Surrounded by “genetically enhanced, unstoppable killing machines” and none of them managed to kill her?  Not even by accident.  (If I’d been watching it in 3D I think I’d have climbed into the film, just to kill her myself.)  If it was up to me I’d send them all straight back to Samsung (or wherever they came from) and ask for a refund.  What a bloody annoying (and stupid) individual she was!  It’s all pretty well summed up in the ‘big scene’ where Jean-Claude gets home and meets his parents for the first time in something like 25 years.  Considering they also thought he was dead, their reaction was about on par with the one you’d give to the postman if he bought you an unexpected parcel. The film did entertain me and there’s plenty going on, but it all felt a bit meaningless and unimaginative.

Music.  It was so generic I can’t even remember it, even though there was a lot; except the pointless and out of place rap over the end credits.  Body Count’s in the House?  I guess Ice-T got stuck after writing the first line. I wonder how much he’s earned from saying the same two words a lot of times?  (Well okay, we did also get one or two of each of the following from him too: ugh, yeh, come on, make some noise, BC.  So I’m probably being a bit mean and unfairly denigrating his work…)

Recommended for people that like action films.  Really, no one else.  Believe me.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment? The UniSol Truck is pretty badass.  It’s big, bad, green and belches out dry ice every time it stops and someone gets out of it.  All it needed adding to it was a few machine guns and missile launchers.  Considering the Universal Solider programme’s meant to be top secret, it’s the most unsubtle lorry I’ve seen since the F.L.A.G. Mobile Unit semi in “Knight Rider”.

Universal Soldier at IMDB (5.8 / 10)


All Night Long: 2.5 Stars


All Night Long Collection  -  Front DVD CoverI seem to have developed some sort of repetitive strain injury in my left shoulder and arm.  For the past five weeks they’ve been sore, but there’s no sign of any swelling and the pain tends to move about from day to day.  I’ve actually lost a lot of the strength in my arm too, as a result of trying not to use it too much.  In fact I’m going to go and see the doctor in the next week or two if it doesn’t improve. I always though as a conservationist, that one day I’d be shot by poachers, angry at my preventing them from harvesting elephant tusks, freeze to death whilst heroically planting one too many trees up a frozen mountain somewhere, or be poisoned by the ultra-rare and ultra-venomous bunga-woonga jungle snake that I was fighting to protect from extinction; (I made that name up by the way as a sort of plot contrivance to keep things moving here, so don’t bother Googling it).  Sadly I seemed to have been ‘taken out’ by driving to too many meetings and writing too many e-mails.  I guess this makes me a bit of a geek; but without the ‘clever attribute’; or the looks for that matter.

1992   –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  Japan

This is another slightly bonkers Japanese film and the first in a loosely connected trilogy with the overall tagline “human beings are garbage”.  Nice.  Despite this, it’s more of a thriller than a horror, with a little comedy and romance thrown in too.  The story sort of makes sense, but there’re plenty of blatant “but what about the…” moments in it too.  Three young guys become friends after witnessing a random murder at a level crossing.  They decide to hold a party, (well doesn’t everyone after witnessing a bloody, multiple stabbing of a schoolgirl)?  They all try to find a woman to take to the party to impress the others, but only one manages to find someone; of the other two, one ends up handcuffed to fence by a prostitute (well I think she was one anyway) and the other gets so nervous that he’s sick on his would-be date, which rather puts her off going with him for some reason.  Anyway, the lucky guy is on his way to the party with his date when they get attacked by a gang and of course she ends up dead.  Well the new friends all get together to track down the baddies, which results in some suitably nasty shotgun action and some general all-around unpleasantness.  The best/worst things to watch out for are the rather bizarre, entirely over-the-top maniacal laughter that most of the characters seemed to insist on emitting when they’re doing something particularly, em, maniacal; and the guy who plays the young geek (he’s the one that was sick on his date-to-be), who really does look and act like everyone’s idea of a Japanese geek.  Great stuff.  The music, when used, is surprisingly effective too.  In a technical sense, my DVD of this film was pretty awful.  The picture quality wasn’t very good (very over-exposed and washed out) and the sound was even worse.  Not only was it mono, but the centre of the sound-stage was located somewhere near my birthday cards, rather than in the centre of the TV screen.  (The cards, all three of them, which even after nearly three weeks I’ve still got displayed, are located somewhere off to the left of the telly.)  It’s surely not asking too much for the sound to seem vaguely focused near the picture, rather than adjacent to a cruel reminder of how many friends I don’t have?

Recommended for would-be-geeks who want to see the real deal in action; plus anyone who collects recordings of horror-movie laugher; I guess there aren’t a lot of the latter.

No cats and no decapitations.

Top badass moment?  It has to be the guy in the car at the end, complete with maniacal laughter and Proclaimers style glasses.  Weedy geeks fighting back is always badass.  The moral being, never push a geek, because in movies they’ll always kick your ass in the end.

All Night Long at IMDB