Posts tagged “Alyson Hannigan

Impure Thoughts / Cactus World Declares War on iTunes


Impure Thoughts  -  Front DVD Cover  -  UK ReleaseFollowing the unrelated deaths of four old school friends Danny, William, Kevin and Steve, they find themselves meeting in the afterlife waiting room, a state of limbo between heaven and hell – Purgatory.  The four friend’s topic of conversation turns to their strict catholic upbringing and the possible wrongs that each has done through their lives that have earned them a seat in Death’s anteroom. Now will their actions as children forgo their future and determine the final resting place of their eternal souls?  A thought provoking film that explores the youthful coming of age and the views held by the catholic church of these adolescent years.

1986  –  Certificate: 12
Rating Details:  Moderate sex references
6.0 out of 10

I’ve been having some pretty disgusting, impure thoughts myself recently.  However, mine concern iTunes’s so called customer service.  Not for the first time, my iTunes account got hacked a couple of weeks ago.  I wasn’t able to reset it so I was forced to contact iTunes to sort it out.  Tying to find out how to get hold of the right person in the right part of the world, was akin to discovering how to levitate through the power of thought, whilst learning to write traditional Chinese, inside  a crater full of molten magma in a volcano on Titan, with a bad hangover.  I did eventually find an e-mail address to use and got a reply from Umair, who sounded like he’d find helping me with my problem as much fun as a three-in-a-bed session with Mila Kunis and Rihanna.  (I’m not a reader myself, but they topped the FHM Sexiest Women in the World poll for 2013.)  Seriously, I really thought my little issue was going to change his whole life for the better, provide him with eternal inner peace and a place in heaven, such was his enthusiasm for wanting to assist me.  Sadly, the latter only went as far as telling me to e-mail someone else and providing a link to another page of Apple-crap®.  What’s wrong with these people?  Haven’t they learnt how to forward an e-mail to the right person yet?  After trawling through more pages of advertising masquerading as ‘customer support’, I finally found out how to arrange for a call-back at a time convenient to me; (as long as it wasn’t for a day or two, as they seemed to be too busy to manage anything any earlier).   So I waited in at the appointed time, my hand poised over my phone, ready for action.  Of course, it never rang.  This evening I e-mailed Umair back and told him that if my account being compromised caused any problems they could argue it out with my credit card company.  I signed the e-mail an ex-iTunes customer.  Bollocks to iTunes.  Bastards.  I hope they all end up in Purgatory, which strangely is where the main characters in this film spend most of their time.

This is a pretty lifeless little movie that only occasionally brightens up.  Not only that, but it’s in mono and the print that was used to master the DVD I watched was dirty and dull too.  I couldn’t even find a trailer for it either, so I’ve just picked a bit of it to show here, although this does seem to have all the best parts in it.  If I’d gone to a convent school, had a Catholic upbringing or a ‘thing’ for nuns, I might have found it a bit more interesting, but I didn’t.  (How such a weird system manages to turn out reasonable well-rounded people most of the time, I’ve no idea.) I did however, learn the difference between venial and mortal sins.  There is in fact only one real reason to watch this film and that’s to see the world’s most beautiful woman, Alyson Hannigan, in her first ever role.  I guess she was about 11 when she made it.  And despite her age, she’s already playing the sort of quirky, sexually ‘interesting’ type of character that she later made famous in “Buffy” and “American Pie”.  That probably makes me sound terribly Stuart Hallish, but honestly, she’s such a tease!

The film’s soundtrack is about on par with the rest of it.  However, it does have “The O-men” as the band at the school dance, which does show it’s got a bit of a humorous, dark heart.

Recommended for Catholics, nuns and Hanniganites.  (I just made that last word up, but I’m sure they probably exist.)  I still can’t get into “How I Met Your Mother” though.  I’ve watched a couple of episodes and it didn’t look very good; too much like old-fashioned American sitcom humour, which anyone with a sense of humour will tell you isn’t actually very funny. 

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment?  It’s a toss-up between the lads stealing/drinking the communion wine and Alyson Hannigan’s first film role.  Then again, she’s busy stuffing her bra whilst they’re not even getting pissed.  So really, in the end there’s not a lot of competition.  Given her age, I guess it’s not appropriate to shout, “get ‘em out for the lads”?

Impure Thoughts at IMDB (6.1 / 10)

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Date Movie: 2.5 Stars


Date Movie  -  Front DVD CoverIf you’re crap at interviews, you’ll probably never get a decent job, however good you are at anything else.  It’s how The Man has decided the world works, and that’s that.  So the next time you see a bit of dole-ite scum hanging about up to no good (and probably planning some scam to rip off all the hardworking members of society), then just remember what separates you from him/her.  In the same way, if you’re no good on dates, you’ll probably never get a decent boyfriend/girlfriend etc.  I like to remember these two facts when I’m reviewing my progress towards the mountain-top of life.  I’m incredibly intelligent, perceptive, knowledgeable, witty, charming, generous, sexy, handsome, thoughtful, sympathetic, understanding, empathic and generally a great guy, yet somehow I’ve failed to become chief executive of anything, or found anyone desperate enough to put up with me on a ‘social basis’ for very long.  I put this down to the two small flaws I have, which just happen to relate to interviews, (I forget everything I know and insult the organisation I’m attempting to get a job with) and dates, (I suddenly can’t think of anything interesting to say and end up staring into space or at her breasts).  None of these attributes are very helpful at the time, even though and somewhat ironically, if you are successful with both you’ll end up spending a great deal of time moaning about the organisation you work for and staring at your partner’s body.  For every one of life’s Edmund Hillarys, there’s a load of us stuck in the foothills, getting lost and trying to find the pub before it closes.  And speaking of dates…

2006  –  Certificate: 15  –  USA
Rating Details:  Moderate sex reference, gross humour and strong language once

This isn’t a very good comedy.  It’s funny in places, but for every ‘funny bit’ there’re two ‘embarrassingly stupid and shit bits’ to balance it out.  (By the way, these last two phrases are examples of film critics’ technical jargon, so don’t worry if you don’t fully understand them.)  I really wanted to like this film, a lot.  It stars the world’s most beautiful woman (Alyson Hannigan), who coincidentally shares my birthday.  (My card from her must have got lost in the post this year, again.)  Even when she’s really fat in the movie, she’s beautiful.  (Am I even allowed to say fat these days?  Perhaps I’m meant to say slimmingly-challenged or something?)  It has houmous-based jokes in it as well and houmous is one of the five great foods of the world; and some cats too.  So it had a lot going for it.  Maybe I just don’t watch enough romance comedies so didn’t understand the subtleties and the entomology of the highbrow humour involved?  Yes, I’m sure that’s it.  Or maybe it was the gross beefburger scene and the fact that Sophie Monk (who plays the sexy Andy and is a vegetarian in real life) rubs them all over herself and chews some too.  Nice.  Not.  Beefburgers are a lot of things, most of them bad, but what they’re not is sexy; if they were, McDonalds would have exploited the fact by now.  On the other hand, it does have loads of extras on the DVD, so it might be worth missing out on watching the film ‘proper’ and going straight to these instead; the anti-commentary by two film critics who also didn’t think it was that great, is worth a listen.  I watched the “Unseen Version” too, so got to enjoy over two minutes more of the most raunchy parts.  Lucky me…

Recommended for people who spend way too much time watching chick-flicks.

6 cats (plus 2 pretend ones) and no decapitations. Cute, especially the grey one, but I have to say the pretend puppet cats are vile.  It’s like watching some sort of cat-Frankenstein movie.  Listen up Hollywood.  Cats.  On.  Toilets.  Farting.  Simply.  Aren’t.  Funny.

Top badass moment?  Tricky.  Okay, I give up.  There isn’t one.  Well maybe Carmen Electra being covered in King Kong snot is, but that’s in the deleted scenes so I’m not sure it counts; I’ve no idea why it’s badass anyway, but she’s wearing a leopard-print bikini when it happens, so who cares?

Date Movie at IMDB (2.6)


Films are Good


I watch a lot of films. I like watching films, I rarely see a film I don’t enjoy watching. They help fill in all the voids in my shallow life. They enable me in some way to experience doing a range of things and being in the position of dealing with a number of situations, which in real life would be somewhat, shall we say, problematic, or at the very least unlikely. In a slightly egocentric way, I like to rate all of these on a very scientific and complex scale, which goes from 1 (not very good) to 5 (awesome); no halves either. With my TV currently out of action (see post below), I’ve been using the projector to watch them instead. Using this provides quite a different viewing experience to the TV and has inspired me to present, for you, the briefest of details of the last three DVDs I’ve watched.

Life as a House

Life as a House

Cockhammer

Cockhammer

Rip Off

Rip Off

                                                                                                                             

Life as a House (5 out of 5). Simply one of the best films I’ve seen for a long time. This drama will make you cry!  Trailer Here

Cockhammer (3 out of 5). Not quite as painful as it sounds, this low-budget, comedy horror will probably offend most people.  (I think it’s probably meant to).  Worth seeing for the bizarre, home-made street slang used in it.  Trailer Here

Rip Off (2 out of 5). Starring the world’s most beautiful woman, Alyson Hannigan (who shares my birthday by the way.) Sadly, even knowing the plot of this action film fails to make any sense of the seemingly random editing.  It also commits the heinous crimes of being a modern film, yet shot with an aspect ratio of 1:33.1 and mono sound; an offence to my eyes and ears!  It can’t even decide whether it’s called “Rip Off”, “Rip It Off” or “Beyond the City Limits”.  Weird.  It looks okay in the trailer though.  Trailer Here

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. Probably just to say what a great film Life as a House is and to post the cool scans of the covers I made.

Right now I’m listening to “Sound of a Gun” by the Buzzcocks.