Posts tagged “Central Park

Tart: 3.0 Stars


Tart  -  Front DVD CoverI went to a gig last Saturday, to see Random Hand, Tyrannosaurus Alan and four other bands.  One of the latter was Tallowah, a great reggae band from Southend-on-Sea which I hadn’t seen before; but now I have I’ll want to see again.  I haven’t been to that many gigs over the past couple of months and oh boy did I feel it; all that ‘dancing’ and stuff people do.  I felt really unfit and my neck is sore now too.  It was like I’d forgotten what to do; weird.  Random Hand was great; it’s pretty well always great.  I’ve no idea why it’s not huge; (but then again, having heard today that the most pirated artist in the UK is Ed Sheeran, that doesn’t really surprise me).  Tyrannosaurus Alan is continuing to get better and better.  Saturday was by far the most moshing I’ve ever seen at one of its gigs.  A highlight was the tallest guy in the room crowd surfing for an entire song without touching the floor; he must have been at least 12 feet tall and as is usual for the tallest person at every gig I’ve ever been to ever, he’d managed to stand in front of me.  On the train journey home I also thoroughly enjoyed the antics of the snogging young couple sitting opposite.  She finally ended up asleep with her head in his lap, (well I think she was sleeping); probably due to a lack of air, poor thing.  I think this all goes to prove what a jolly nice, decent and tolerant person I am.  However…

2001  –  Certificate: R  –  USA
Rating Details:  Drug use, language, some sexual content and a scene of violence, all involving teens.

One thing I really hate is when the cover of a DVD has little to do with the content.  Here we have a classic example.  Whoever it is that’s on the cover, she’s not in the film at all.  Not only that, but her knickers are clearly white, whereas any we seen in the film are black; (and her skirt is totally different to the ones worn in the film too).  That’s two DVDs in a row I’ve watched that have suffered from ‘false advertising’ in this way.  Whoever designed and authorised the sleeve used for this DVD should go directly to prison and suffer some embarrassing, undignified and degrading experiences in the toilets, before finally being put up against a wall and shot.  Well okay maybe just life imprisonment then; I did say I was a tolerant person.  Oh, and before I forget, the title of the film is entirely misleading too; there’s no pastry-based food featured in it anywhere, with or without a sweet or savory filling!  So anyway, now I’ve trashed the marketing, what about the film itself?  Well, it basically follows a group of boring, spoilt, rich kids who go to a private school in New York, who spend most of their time taking drugs and trying to be ‘rebellious’.  Of course, someone gets killed, friendships get tested and we all learn a bit more about life and ourselves; well, I’m certainly glad about all that then and I’m sure you are too.  Actually I’m probably making it sound worse than it is; it is entertaining enough in its own way.  Dominique Swain (Cat Storm) looks great in a school uniform (nice legs) and her mother is some sort of saint.  It just somehow doesn’t really seem to get going before it’s all over.  Even the injection of some oh so naughty bestiality and shocking gay sex can’t wake it up.  (I bet you really do want to see it now.)  Actually there’s a brilliant review of it on IMDB, which is so good it sort of put me off even trying to write anything better here.  Go read it.

Recommended for boring, spoilt, rich kids, school uniform ‘enthusiasts’ and fans of the private education system.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment?  In a film filled with boring, self-centred people, the only contender is Lily Storm.  Faced with an argumentative, selfish daughter and with an equally crappy ex-husband, she remains supportive, caring and understanding.  Being the sort of mother everyone needs/wants is totally badass.

Tart at IMDB (4.3/10)