The battle for Earth continues in this action-packed blockbuster from Michael Bay and executive producer Steven Spielberg. When college-bound Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) learns the truth about the ancient origins of the Transformers, he must accept his destiny and join Optimus Prime and Bumblebee in their epic battle against the Decepticons, who have returned stronger than ever with a plan to destroy our world.
2009 – Certificate 12 – American Film
Moderate action, violence, language, sex and drug references
8.0 out of 10
This is going to be boring, sorry, as it’s about decorating; I’ll get to the film later on. When I moved into where I live now, nearly eight years ago, everything was painted magnolia. I hate magnolia like I hate the idea of all my limbs suddenly detaching themselves; (well obviously not really, but I’m trying to make a point). The first thing I did when I moved in was paint nearly everything a different colour; hall white, bathroom blue and white, lounge yellow and green. For reasons too complex to go into now, (but basically they revolve around me being too poor and lazy), the bedroom and kitchen never got done; and that’s how things have remained ever since. However, inspired by my washing machine’s recent breakdown (and I still haven’t got around to getting it fixed yet) and the subsequent OH MY GOD horror when confronted with the state of things under and behind the washing machine when I pulled it out from its normal resting place, I’m going to ‘do’ the kitchen. It’s going to be red and white. It’s going to be red and white because the kitchen still boasts all it’s original fixtures and fittings and when I pulled all the horrible sticky plastic off everything it’d been stuck on, those are the colours I found underneath. I hope it doesn’t turn me into a Manchester United fan. This is an especially weak link, but the big tile cutter I’ve bought, with all its levers, moving parts and things, could well be a robot in disguise…
Ever eaten too much ice cream, cake or sweets? The big ‘I can rule the world’ sugar hit followed by the comedown? This film is like that. Two and a half hours of too-fast-to-work-out-what-the-hell-is-going-on-half-the-time action, followed by the dreadful realisation that you’ve just taken several months off your lifespan by wearing your soul out. This is a film that’s wrong in so many ways, but if you ignore all of them and just let the stuff that’s going on in front of you batter you senseless, then it’s actually loads of fun. Enjoy watching what’s basically “Team America: World Police” on steroids. Marvel at Megan Fox’s enormous, ‘porn star’ lips. Relish the challenge of working out which fast-moving bundle of scrap metal is which. To impress your mates with later, memorise Optimus Prime’s “Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing” line. Cheer along at every highly unlikely bit of good fortune that comes our heroes’ ways. Be amazed that a load of robots that are huge, clumsy, noisy and trash everything they come into contact with, have managed to stay so well hidden for so long. The highly irritating Sam Witwicky is back, although he’s marginally less irritating this time around, in the same way that a wasp is slightly less irritating than two wasps. Megan Fox is also here again; (I don’t think her character’s got a name, as she’s Megan Fox in a range of tight shorts, so no one really cares about what her character gets up to). On an entirely superficial level (which worked for me), the whole movie looks and sounds great. The special effects are excellent and relentless; whilst it boasts a soundtrack that’s great for pissing off your neighbours. One thing puzzles me though. When I was young, Transformers weren’t “Robots in Disguise”. What they were, were crappy little toys that you quickly lost half the bits for, got annoyed by and soon moved on from. Who are all these people who’re so into them? I’ve never met a single one in my life. When I hear Hasbro, all I can think of are those sticky, disgusting jelly sweets made by Haribo.
Suitably bombastic, the soundtrack does all the things you’d expect it too. It’s not bad.
The trailer is nearly two and a half minutes long, which means you get to see about 1/60th of the film by watching it. Lucky you!
Recommended for robots, students and young women with ‘pouty’ lips. Probably not the best movie for anyone interesting in recruiting new air force or navy pilots; or Egyptians.
No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.
Top badass moment? Despite all the ‘good-guys bad-guys’ stuff going on, the sound of a Transformer saying “bollocks” to a door, works for me. It’s probably the best line in the whole script.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at IMDB (6.0 / 10)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at Wikipedia
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at Roger Ebert (1.0 / 5)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at YouTube
A werewolf tale from the producers of “Underworld”, “Blood & Chocolate” tells the story of Vivian (Agnes Bruckner), a young teenage girl who must choose between her love for a young artist and loyalty to her werewolf lineage. Others may have secrets, but none as extraordinary as Vivian. One of the last of her kind, she comes from a line of loup garoux, shape shifters able to transform into the form of both human and wolf at will. When Vivian’s affections for a visiting artist threaten to reveal her family’s secret society, she must decide whether to prove her allegiance to their secret vows or follow her heart and betray them all.
2007 – Certificate 12 – American Film
Rating Details: Moderate violence, horror and drug references
7 out of 10
I’ve been provided with a new work mobile. Well it’s not really new, it’s one that’s been ‘reallocated’; but it’s new to me. Its predecessor, a seven-year-old Nokia 6300, had become a bit of an embarrassment, what with its unbusinesslike, tatty appearance and talk-time that struggled to get me past the ‘how are you?” stage of a phone conversation. You can probably imagine how my pulling that out of my pocket at a critical moment in one of the many, high-powered meetings I attend, can undermine my negotiating position. My new one is a Nokia E5. It’s the first smart-phone I’ve ever had. Something tells me it’s not a medal contender in the mobile coolness rankings, although as I don’t have a contract for it that includes a data allowance, this rather limits its use for anything resembling “smart” anyway. It does seem to be able to ‘talk’ to my network at home though. I’m not quite sure what all the buttons and icons are for yet, although I have managed to sort out the most important things, like the ringtones it uses. For calls it plays “Do You Like Waffles?” by Parry Gripp, whilst for texts it blares out “Marco Polo” by Guttermouth. The latter is 15 seconds of punk rock noise that when combined with its cheap, in-built speaker, is likely to send anyone else within 10m of it when it plays in an ‘office environment’, into an incandescent fury. There’re quite a number of people in this movie who get pretty pissed about things too.
When they’ve got over bitching about how much this film doesn’t resemble the book of the same name, people seem to then suggest it’s some sort of teen romance about werewolves. So let me tell you it’s really an out-and-out action movie; all it needs is Sylvester Stallone and it would be the whole package. Big explosive finale? Check. Some guns and stuff? Check? An unlikely hero who performs way beyond the call of duty? Check. Some cheesy one-liners? Check. Being able to write and draw (our hero Aiden is a penniless graphic novel writer) is pretty cool; if you think my writing is bad you should see my drawing. I took my last art exam when I was 14 years-old. I got 18%. I tried to draw sadness but it came out as a disgusting shambles of green, painted squiggles. I imagine the teacher probably thought I was taking the piss but really, that was the best I could do. Sadly (and somewhat ironically given the focus of my work), my canvas had all the emotionally resonance of a newly painted bathroom radiator, in magnolia. To this day my ability to draw remains at the level of a 4 year-old; and not a talented one either. I’m always a little in awe of those than can seemingly and effortlessly draw things; a genuine talent. However, I’ve never considered that the traits that make someone a good artist or writer, would also equip the same person to be an action-hero too. This movie is about a penniless artist/writer, who falls in love with a chick. Of course, like many potential in-laws, hers don’t really take to him, so being werewolves they decide to kill him. In the space of a day or two, our quiet, unassuming (although a little stalker-like) artist turns into one, badasss motherfucker, taking on half the werewolves in Bucharest. To explain these abilities, the movie provides a brief throwaway line about something to do with his relationship with his father not being that great. Bloody hell, poor guy. What a bastard he must have been! Aiden even manages to survive what looks like a good 50’ drop through a broken sky-light, before coming to a very sudden stop, dangling upside down, with his leg caught in a rope, without this causing him the slightest injury. He even has the audacity to blame Vivian for the situation he’s in, even though he spends half the film virtually stalking her. I’m certainly no expert on relationships, but something tells me theirs isn’t going to last much longer than the end credits. Fortunately, what all this means is that I can admit to seeing this movie without having to invent an imaginary girlfriend “who made me watch it” as an excuse for doing so. I have to say Agnes Bruckner does do a good, surly teenager, sulky pout. It’s actually a decent film, well worth watching.
The soundtrack has a sort of gothic-Klingon-“The Equaliser” vibe going on. Sadly it’s as ‘good’ as it sounds. Serviceable but forgettable.
Recommended for artists, writers, teens, chocolate-addicts and action-heroes. Not recommend for werewolves. They always seem to end up on the losing side.
No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.
Top badass moment? It has to be our mild-mannered, stalker/artist/writer/hero, Aiden. He utters the one-liner “Drink Up” just before he sets fire to a load of alcohol to burn a couple of werewolves to death, after a fire-fight with a gang of them. This is especially impressive as we’re not led to believe he makes a habit of this sort of thing. The ability to up your game when the time comes is definitely badass. It’ll be a brave person who gives any of the graphic novels he writes a bad review…