Posts tagged “Friends

Phone / Living Off the Grid


Phone  -  Front DVD Cover  -  UK Release

Following hot on the heels of well-known Asian chillers such as “Ring”, “Dark Water” and “Ju-on” comes a ghost story to top them all.  “Phone” tells the story of an investigative reporter, Ji-won, who has recently published a controversial article about sex-scandals and has since begun receiving a series of menacing phone calls.  In an effort to escape the phone calls she changes her number and moves house, but the calls keep coming.  When a friend’s young daughter innocently answers the ringing telephone she begins to exhibit increasingly crazed behaviour.  As she tries to unravel the mystery behind the phone calls Ji-won uncovers a secret that will change them all.  Stylish and terrifying, “Phone” follows the growing pedigree of Asian horror, that shock, scare and astonish in equal measure.

2002  –  Certificate: 15  –  South Korean Film
Rating Details: Strong psychological horror
7.0 out of 10

It’s confession time here in Cactus World.  I’ve never owned a mobile phone.  I’m one of the 10% or so of people living in the UK that doesn’t have one, a country in which there’re more mobile phones than people.  It’s not that I’m a Luddite or anything.  I got Windows 7 when it first came out, I’ve a 120Mb Internet connection, a TV service with hundreds of channels I never watch and even a landline.  I actually have a mobile for work too, (an elderly Nokia smartphone, although no data contract to go with it).  The amount of increasingly desperate marketing materials I get from Virgin Media offering me billions of texts, terabytes of data and endless free mobile calls, suggests its marketing department’s best algorithms have identified me as a dangerous, social anomaly that needs to be dealt with, by selling me a phone and mobile service contract as soon as possible.  I imagine GCHQ has probably got me on its ‘high risk’ list of people who’re attempting to live off the grid, in preparation for launching a huge, worldwide terrorist attack on the good and the great.  Unfortunately, the two things I’d actually need to make getting a phone worthwhile, namely some friends to contact and some time in which to do so, don’t seem to be included in any of Virgin Media’s offers, at least not yet…  This film hasn’t made getting a mobile any more attractive to me either.

This is a chilling movie.  At least the first half of it is.  Then the story gets a bit muddled up and it turns into more of a straightforward, supernatural thriller, before everything gets explained at the end.  The latter was pretty helpful, as by then I’d sort of lost the plot and it wasn’t as if I’d had much to drink either.  It’s worth a watch just to see the terrifying little kid in it.  I really did believe she’d been possessed by the spirit of her father’s dead, underage lover.  I was going to ring the police to report it, but by then I was too scared to use the phone.  This film makes great use sound, from the  audio design itself through to the annoying ringing of the phones.  The latter all seem to share the same cheap and nasty ringtone, although the modern option of the latest nondescript Top Ten hit by someone with little talent, played via a speaker with all the sonic range of kettle, is arguably no better.  There was some decent DIY on show too.

One of the things that makes this film work is its music.  In particular, it uses Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 14 in C sharp minor Op. 27 No. 2 (aka the Moonlight Sonata) to great effect.  This is one of the best bits of classical music ever written.

The trailer is almost entirely useless, as it does nothing to make the movie interesting.  In fact if you wanted to see how not to make a trailer, this one would be a pretty good example.  It’s over melodramatic, incoherent, says nothing about the film and is too dark as well.

Recommended for journalists, wives that don’t appear to do much and schoolgirls that want to get off with older men; and pissed off spirits.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment?  Chang-hoon is some guy.  He’s the CEO of a big company, has a beautiful wife and a schoolgirl lover, yet he’s got all the personally of a plank of wood.  I guess his money and his (I assume) ability in bed must make up for it.  (His wife was pretty boring as well if I’m honest.)  Still, he’s clearly some sort of Korean alpha male, badass dude.

Phone at IMDB (6.3 / 10)
Phone at Wikipedia
Phone trailer at YouTube

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My Girl: 4.0 Stars


My Girl  -  Front DVD coverEver watched any of those TV ads, which always seem to feature a young and good-looking guy in a white shirt and tie, sitting on a train with loads of space around him?  The ones where it’s sunny outside and the train is passing through some beautiful countryside, which the guy in the shirt glances at contentedly whilst he works away on a laptop, looking happy and in control, as he drinks his complementary and delicious cup of coffee and deals with his important but achievable workload?  Well that’s total bollocks.  I’ve spend a lot of time recently sitting on trains trying to work on a laptop and its had about as much in common with that image, as someone sweeping the floor in an aircraft hangar has with Tom Cruise in “Topgun”.  So here’s a reality check.

1)  The trains are always over-crowded and no one looks happy.

2)  You always have to chuck someone out of the seat you’ve booked, who’s always the person most genuinely in need of a seat on the whole train; typically a heavily pregnant but exceedingly fray old lady, who’s often from a Black or Asian community too, so that everyone else on the train can brand you both a bastard and a racist.

3)  You can never plug your laptop in anywhere; there either isn’t a plug, or someone else is using it and will defend it to the death if need be.  You’d have more chance of negotiating a peace treaty between North and South Korea.

4)  The tables are too narrow to have the screen at the right angle or the keyboard in the right place; and there’s always some other poor sod sitting on the other side of the table trying to use a laptop too; and the nightmarish possibly that the backs of the lids might accidentally touch one another, would feel not unlike experiencing your best mate suddenly touching you ‘inappropriately’ and declaring he’s always loved you.

5)  You’re always stressed out because you’ve got too much work to do.  Internet access costs nearly £5 for an hour and at best is annoyingly intermittent and slow, so you end up having to close and reopen Outlook loads of times in an effort to send or receive any e-mail.  And don’t even think you can use a mouse, as the train’s movement will result in your clicking on everything but what you wanted and a screen full of usless boxes and windows that you’ve then got to try to close, an equally futile exercise that just perpetuates the nightmare.  And if you saved the link your mate sent you last week for that comedy bestiality gay porn website, you can be sure you’ll accidently click on it and everyone in the carriage with hear your tinny laptop speakers blare out the fact, confirming in their minds that you’re a social deviant as well as being a bastard and a racist, and probably a paedophile too.  Your only defence against all this is that the chance of you actually finding a suitable space in which to move a mouse around, is rather less than that of the Earth suddenly exploding right now… nope, we’re still here.  (And here’s a friendly bit of advice; don’t bother trying to use your mouse on your thigh, it doesn’t work and after it’s fallen on the floor with  a loud clatter a few times, everyone will be adding stupidity to your growing lists of crimes.) 

6)  The person sitting opposite you always has a better laptop that makes you feel like a Luddite and failure, as you look at your scratched Dell with its broken bit of trim in the corner; whilst his is miraculously in pristine condition, despite its apparently nomadic existence; they’re nearly always Macs too; does Apple pay people to travel on trains just to make it look like it has a bigger market share than it really does?

7)  The weather is always wet and horrible; or really bright and the sun shines directly onto the screen of your laptop, rendering it unreadable.

8)  The person next to you acts as if he’s Beelzebub’s cousin and insists on staking his claim to every square nanometre of his allotted space; even using his bag and jacket to build something akin to the Berlin Wall between you and him.  The unspoken threat this leaves hanging in the air will lead you to prefer the option of wetting yourself, rather than ask him to move so you can go to the toilet.

9)  If the person next to you is a woman, she will continually use body language that strongly suggests the world’s most evil-smelling pervert has just sat next to her.  Unlike Beelzebub’s cousin, she will attempt to curl up in as small a space as possible, mathematically as far from you as she can, whilst texting her mates non-stop to tell them of her ongoing trauma.

10)  The coffee is mediocre, costs £2.20 and comes in a paper cup.

This film is set in 1972. Before laptops existed.  (And I really actually like trains.)

1991  –  Certificate: PG  –  USA

Before I watched this film I couldn’t remember anything about it or why I’d bought it.  Neither the overview nor the trailer suggested that it’s going to be anything other than a fairly crappy, 90s, mainstream Hollywood romantic/family comedy with a precocious, ‘Hollywood-style’ kid in it.  An evening of British stoicism beckoned, as I looked forward to 98 minutes of mediocre averageness.  But when a film starts with an 11-year-old girl speaking directly into the camera, claiming to have caught haemorrhoids and explaining how her breasts are developing at different rates and that means she’s got cancer, does suggest that it’s going to have more balls that it ought to.  (Sorry if that all sounds a bit Jimmy Savilley, it’s not meant to.)  For a PG rated film, I bet that freaked out a few parents in the cinema!  It’s basically a film about death, a suitable depressing topic that probably explains why I bought it in the first place.  In the end, it still turned out to be a 90s, mainstream Hollywood romantic/family comedy with a precocious, ‘Hollywood-style’ kid in it, but at times it’s also a genuinely touching and powerful bit of drama.  The adults are more or less cardboard cut-out characters, but the kids make the film come alive and the script’s surprising subtle.  It’s got a good soundtrack too.  (Problem is, I still can’t get used to Dan Aykroyd not hunting ghosts, or Jamie Lee Curtis not fighting Michael Myers.) 

Recommended for people who want to revisit the experience of losing someone they love. 

No cats, decapitations or chainsaws. 

Top badass moment?  Vada sulking in the supermarket and throwing can after can from the shelf into the trolley.  Am I the only one who thinks doing this without looking at the shelf or fumbling any of the cans, whilst the trolley is moving, was pretty clever?  It’s hard to make sulking look cool, so managing to do so is badass.

My Girl at IMDB (6.5/10)


Chronicle: 3.5 Stars


Chronicle  -  Front Blu-ray CoverI did something last week that I never do these days; I met someone ‘for a drink’ ‘after work’, in a place called Wallingford.  Because I don’t ‘do’ friends this isn’t an activity that I find myself involved in very often.  Going ‘for a drink’ to me means consuming lots of alcohol, to maximise the possibly of my becoming an obnoxious, unpleasant and a generally horrible human being, so that I don’t get asked to ‘go for a drink’ again.  (If I ever did, I’ve long since forgotten how to behave in social situations, so this is how I deal with them these days, on the rare occasion they arise.)  Not wanting to drink and drive, I had to work out how to get there.  I could have gone on foot, but as Wallingford is probably a good two day’s walk from Reading, I decided this wasn’t very practical.  Wallingford doesn’t have a train station and taking a taxi would have meant I’d have had to have sold my body on the streets of Reading for months and months on end to earn enough for the fare; (probably years in fact).  As I didn’t have time for this either, I had to explore ‘other options’.  So imagine my amazement and pleasure when I discovered that the only alternative appeared to be a trip into space and the chance to be an astronaut, in a 50’s inspired spacecraft called the X40.  How fucking cool is that?!  I could hardly sleep the night before, I was so excited.  On Monday evening I turned up at launch pad EB near Reading Station.  Talk about disappointment, I felt like I’d found a $1,000,000 note, only to then be told it was from Zimbabwe and only worth £1.24. (This is the actual conversion rate as of today, I just checked.)  The X40 was a bus!  What a swizz!  I’m seriously thinking of taking the bus company to court with respect to false advertising.  The other passengers that boarded with me looked as miserable as I felt, so I expect they were all struggling with the same feelings I was.  This film features three people who, unlike me, really did get to fly.

2012  –  Certificate: 15  –  USA
Rating Details:  Bloody injury detail, strong violence and sustained threat

This is nicely made but somehow unsatisfying sci-fi film, about three ‘ordinary friends’ who end up with psychic powers that they then proceed to piss about with.  The special effects are great, the movie looks nice and to be fair the acting’s pretty decent too.   My main problem with it is that the three of them just weren’t very nice.  Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t inherently evil or anything, but they came across as caricatures of ‘young people’ rather than real ones.  They also behaved like they were about 13, not their real ages, (which I guess were meant to be around 17).  So I never really got to care what happened to them.  I need to be able to relate to the characters in the films I watch to fully engage with what they’re going through and in this case I just couldn’t.  Perhaps I’m just becoming a bitter old man, but that how it was.  It’s a great film in many ways, but my inability to give a damn for the three of them held me back.  The ‘journey’ from crappy home life to psychopathic loony that one of them goes through really didn’t work for me either.  Also, and maybe it’s because I’m a pervert, but if I had powers like them I’d want to use them to ‘rearrange’ ladies clothing; they do next to none of that, which really does undermine their ‘young person’ personas.  Having said all that, the scene in the toy shop is really very funny and so well acted it feels more like a documentary.  (As an ‘aside’, I want to apologise for my totally ‘over the top’ use of inverted commas here.  I’m writing this under the ‘influence’ of half a bottle of wine, so that’s my excuse.)

Recommended for immature adults everywhere; I guess that includes me then.

No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.

Top badass moment?  Scaring little girls is so not cool, but if you’re going to do it anyway there’s not a lot that’s more badass that using a flying, talking teddy bear to do so, like in this film.  She’s probably going to grow up to be a psychopathic serial killer as a result of the damage this did to her psyche, but I doubt anyone would be able to prove the link so you’re probably safe from prosecution if you want to have a go too.

Chronicle at IMDB (7.1/10)