You never know what life’s going to throw at you. Today for example, I got talked into going to see a rugby match in March, the day after my birthday and the day after I’ve been to a gig; (the New Town Kings, amazing ska band). I have zero interest in rugby. In fact, I’ve less than no interest in it, I’ve actually got anti-interest in it. The idea of paying £20 and then sitting in a cold, half empty football stadium, watching a load of blokes carrying a stupidly shaped ball around for 80 minutes, fills me with the sort of dread normally reserved for exams, opening my bank statement and getting a bollocking at work for not doing something I should have done. Anyway, here’s a mental challenge for you. Please first think of the Power Rangers in a typical episode. Okay, hold that image. Now replace them with two Japanese schoolgirls in school uniforms. Still with me? (Oh for goodness sake, keep your focus on the relevant details here.) Good. Now replace the ridiculous baddies the Power Rangers were fighting in your mind with a sinister organisation called The Clown, which wants to take over control of the Earth; (unless you have a different copy of this film, where you may find that that for some reason the translation turns The Clown into The Joker, although not the Batman one). If you’ve managed that successfully (and well done if you have) then you’re part way to conceptualising this Japanese action movie. (Well I say movie, but it’s only actually 45 minutes long. It does feel very much like a pilot episode for a TV series that’s never existed.)
2008 – Certificate: Not Rated – Japan
Despite this being an entirely absurd film it’s actually quite entertaining, for both intentional and unintentional reasons. Join best friends Anne and Eunice (the names of the heroines in my translation of the film), as they do battle with The Clown. We never really find out a lot about The Clown and the motivation of the girls’ games teacher makes zero sense to me too. And I’m sorry to say this and I know it’s kind of sexist and everything, but Anne really does ‘run just like a girl’ the first time she appears in the consolidated armour. It wouldn’t inspire me if I saw her run like that and was waiting for her to come and help me fight a group of ‘henchman’ and the weird guy in the mask and leathers. (And before I forget, note for translators. We normally call it “bust size” okay? Also, you don’t have to bother to keep adding subtitles to “Mmmm”, as that’s much the same in any language). There are plenty of silly laughs to be had in this movie and it’s really quite sweet in its own way. I’ve not checked but I don’t suppose it was nominated for any Oscars.
Recommended for anyone who likes films at the “Dude, Where’s My Car?” level or below. Not good for people who think a film needs any sort of depth to it. No one’s going to drown in this movie.
No cats and no decapitations.
Top badass moment? Waking up chained to an under-lit table, surrounded by weirdos and finding out that you’ve had your body transformed somehow and you’re about to be brain-washed so you’ll do the bidding of an evil organisation know as The Clown, I imagine is a tough situation to accept. Then finding out soon after that you’re going to have to fight to destroy this organisation before it kills you, probably makes things worse. Still, Anne more or less takes it all in her stride. That’s got to be badass at any age.