Meat Loaf Aday stars as Jake Feldman, a short-tempered furrier struggling to build a small-time business while being tormented by his obsession for a sexy stripper. But when a sadistic backwoods trapper (John Saxon of “Nightmare on Elm Street” and Argento’s “Tenebre”) kills a strange group of pet raccoons, Jake knows their luxurious hides could make a coat that will change his fortunes forever. Only these are no ordinary pelts. Everyone who comes in contact with the cursed furs is soon driven to unspeakable acts of self-mutilation and extreme violence. Even if Jake can now possess the flesh he desperately covets, what horrific final price will he pay for the skin he’s in?
2006 – Certificate: Not Rated – American TV – 6.5 out of 10
I virtually never watch TV. I’ve access to hundreds of channels and a hard disk recorder, plus more catch-up and subscription services than I can pronounce, but I can count on one, typical, human hand, how often I use any of these. It’s not that I’m a TV snob either, as amongst all the dross are some really great programmes. However, once in a while I take an arbitrary liking to something and will collect it on DVD or Blu-ray. Whilst I like to watch films and write garbage about them here, I have a dirty, embarrassing, hidden secret that I rarely talk about to anyone; that is to say I also have one or two TV programmes I’m watching at the same time too. (Although not literally.) I don’t really binge-watch, so it takes me a long time to work my way through one with a lot of episodes. Over the past few years I’ve done “Dad’s Army” (so part of my childhood), “Andromeda”, (massively underrated), “The Likely Lads” / “Whatever Became of the Likely Lads” (TV that reminds me of my father), and Red Dwarf (you can’t be a student without watching it and learning the silly Rimmer salute). At present I’m slowly working my way through “South Park” and “Pretty Little Liars”. Sadly, embarrassed by my indiscretions with the ‘small screen’, I rarely write much about them here. This is strange in a way, because however good a film is you only get to spend a few hours with most of the characters, (even with a long franchise). However, with TV you can spend weeks or months with them, years even, investing a huge amount of emotional capital in their lives. This is something even the best film can never hope to match. But no more… From now on I’m going to attempt, in my usual inept way, to make more of a song and dance about them, right here. Well don’t get too excited…
By pure coincidence, Pelts is actually a TV programme, although just to be confusing I’m treating it as a film. Staring Meat Loaf (yes, that Meat Loaf), who spends most of the movie looking like a very disreputable version of Liam Neeson’s father and wanting to get his hands on a local stripper, when he’s not stripping the skin of the local wildlife to make coats out of. Even without his less than vegan lifestyle his character is entirely without a redeeming feature; indeed, he really doesn’t have any positive characteristics at all. This is not a film for which the plot is worth analysing; it’s really just there to provide an excuse for (the admittedly beautiful) Ellen Ewusie to get her top off (and scream a lot and yes, fall-over when she’s running away) and some excellent special effects. (Except when Meat Loaf pulls most of his skin off and runs about a bit with it; not sure that worked well for me, but I guess he was just trying to out-strip his female co-star. The face sowing is excellent though!) However, it was good to see the purveyors of a fur coat get their come-uppance. The wearers of real fur really are the embodiment of all that’s fucked-up in fashion.
There’s a soundtrack. Its plays.
The trailer is what it is. It reminded me a bit of magnolias paint.
Movie Weather Forecast: Eh… it’s overcast; and dark a lot.
Recommended for furriers, poachers, strippers and the fashion industry in general.
No cats, chainsaws or decapitations. (Unless you count all the poor racoons that get killed and skinned; I imagine that involved all their heads being removed at some point.)
Top badass moment? There really isn’t a single nice or worthy person or act in this film. There’s not even evil masterminds either, just a load of shallow, mostly worthless individuals. However, I don’t like to admit defeat and there is a brief shot of a snail (and sorry I don’t know what species it is) crawling along. In comparison with all the humans, that’s just totally, totally, hardcore badass.
Award-winning actress Sharon Stone (“Sphere”, “Casino”, “Basic Instinct”) and Gillian Anderson (“The X-Files”) star in this uplifting motion picture that’s received overwhelming critical acclaim. With his loving and supportive mother (Stone), 13-year-old Kevin (Kierin Culkin) moves in next door to another teen, Max. Though both have problems that label them as outcasts, Kevin and Max discover that by proudly combining their strengths and uniting as one, they can overcome their individual limitations and triumph over any adversity. As this pair sets out on a series of courageous adventures, they find the mightiest treasure of all: friendship. With Gena Rowlands (“Playing By Heart”) and a stellar supporting cast.
1998 – Certificate: PG – American Film
Rating Details: Threat of violence
8.0 out of 10
Had a bit of a scare this morning, when I woke up to a cloudy sky. Was that the end of summer for another seven years? Fortunately, things have got sorted out this afternoon and it’s now lovely and sunny again. We seem to have temporarily lost our Level 3 Heat-Health Watch status, but it’s still managed to get to 32C in my living room this afternoon. It was 33C in here yesterday, a new Cactus World record and a long way from last winter’s ghastly low of 14C. This film has inspired me to reach for new heights too.
Almost everything about this film annoys me, from the entirely unrealistic plot, through to the emotionally manipulative ending. You’ll find more realism on the front page of the Daily Mail than in this movie. It even manages to ‘Disneyfy’ two characters from “Mad Mad: Beyond Thunderdome” and turn them into two ‘kids with issues’. Even the ‘bad guy’ gets a Disney-like make-over and ends up about as threatening a red traffic light. It’s also got Sharon Stone, Gillian Anderson and Meat Loaf in it too, yet fails to turn in a single, sexually provocative scene, alien or overwrought rock anthem. What a waste; that latter lot would make a great film. Now I’ve trashed it I will say that this is actually a really nice and enjoyable movie. You know how when someone complements you and you know they don’t really mean it, but somehow you still like the fact that they said it anyway? Well this movie feels a lot like that. It’s like they vivisected all the great family movies to identify what makes them ‘work’ and then injected it into this one. You know it’s not really that good but you still secretly like it anyway. The two youngsters at the centre of the story manage to be the heroes they’re destined to be, without being too annoying in that ‘Hollywood way’; I found myself wanting them to succeed, despite the stupid plot. What’s worse, the film borrows from Arthurian legend and I found myself thinking, why do I watch Batman etc when I could be lusting after the original superheroes? And they’re Brits too. Never mind the Justice League or The Avengers, here’s King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table; questing and kicking bad guy butt hundreds of years before Captain America had even been conceived. Suitably horrified by my own lack of patriotic pride, as soon as I’d finished watching it I went and bought myself a copy of T. H. White’s “Once and Future King”, the definitive version of the story of King Arthur. It’s a book (well sort of five really), that to my shame I’ve never read. I’ve also burnt all my Batman and Superman DVDs too. (Okay, so I made that last bit up.) At work, I will no longer do funding-raising. Instead, I will go on quests, to seek wisdom, resource further adventures and bring clarity of mind to the unbelievers. True, it’s exactly the same thing, but it sounds a hell of a lot more exciting this way. I will cease to fill in application forms; instead I’ll become a seeker of truth, enlightenment and the pathway to justice. My armour with protect me from the blows of my enemies, whilst my heart will vanquish over adversity, as I rise a hero from the flames of battle. I will walk to the office no longer; instead I will ride into combat! A knight proves his worthiness by his deeds! Or something like that anyway.
I have to admit I do like the soundtrack, despite Sting’s presence. It’s a combination of the restrained and the epic, with some sub-Irish folksiness thrown in for good measure.
Recommended for King Arthur, trailer trash with a heart of gold and over and under-achieving kids.
No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.
Top badass moment? In a film highlighting the actions of two kids fighting adversity, badass moments abound. But the most badass of all is Max ripping the radiator off the wall, before telling his father ‘the truth’. After a lifetime of shit, turning on ‘the beast’ is pure badass. Well done Max!