I hate the way big manufacturers make it as difficult as possible for the plebs (i.e. the rest of us) to dissect what they do, what they tell us and what they sell us. Today I wasted 45 minutes trying to find out what colour white a Vauxhall Astra van at work is, so I could go and buy some paint and repair a couple of dents in it; about an hour’s work for me but probably £500 worth of work if it was done by a garage. You’d think this would be easy to do, but after three quarters of an hour spent Googling things and searching for various stickers and plates all over the place, and studying the ridiculous codes they put all over them, I was none the wiser. Why don’t they just put the name of the colour on the vehicle plate? Casablanca White anyone, rather than Z354 or whatever it’s going to turn out to be in the end? This is simply bollocks designed to make it more difficult for people to do something that ought to be very simple, so that we give up and pay someone a shed load of money to do something we could do ourselves. I’m all for convenience and don’t mind paying for it at times, but I want the option of deciding when and where I do so; I don’t want to be forced into it by some greedy corporate asshole, who’s not half as clever as he thinks (and they nearly always are “hes”). I shouldn’t need to emulate Sherlock Homes in an effort to find out a basic bit of information. It’s a shit combination of crappy marketing and nefarious corporate shenanigans, which has the sole purpose of making the rest of us spend more of our money than necessary on their overpriced tat. How many versions of white do we even need anyway? I think I’ll just go and buy a huge tin of magnolia emulsion instead and paint every single vehicle I ever come across in my life, it would be a lot easier and quicker. This movie features a kitchen that gets painted blue, everywhere. I’ve no idea what shade of blue that was either.
1985 – Certificate: 12 – USA
Despite myself I enjoyed this film. It even made me laugh out loud a few times. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s my geek side trying to exert itself? It’s full of plot holes, but then again the latter is so ridiculous that it doesn’t matter than much anyway. What it does do is give us a couple of ‘failures’ to follow, a ‘perfect woman’ to lust after and a set of stupidly stupid opponents for said failures and woman to overcome. Of course, in the end everyone comes out of it a better person and they all (metaphorically) ride off into the sunset together, happy in the notion that they’ve made the world a slightly better place. It sounds dreadful, but its redeeming features are that it is actually pretty funny, the characters are for the most part likable (even the bad ones) and it’s entertaining. It’s also a horrible reminder of how tacky the 80s were, so the feeling of relief at the end when you remember it’s really 2012, is palpable. (Until of course you remember all the things you don’t like about 2012 too).
Recommended for anyone who’s under the illusion that the 80s were anything more than superficial rubbish, or who lived through them the first time around and wants to be reminded. (Why, for God’s sake?) Also highly recommend as an educational tool to demonstrate to people that life existed before Twitter, Facebook and uploading hilarious videos to YouTube of their drunk friends tripping over. (Things where so much more innocent in those days, he thinks wistfully…)
No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.
Top badass moment? Listen, if you really could create your own ‘perfect woman’ with an old computer, a ‘floppy’ floppy disk and a narrowband connection, I’d be doing it right now rather than writing this. If it was possible, it would be way off the badass scale.
I got six new light bulbs this week. This might not seem much of a big deal, but to me, after living in a perpetual twilight for the last month or two, is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that I paid over £70 for them shouldn’t be allowed to dilute the effect of the spontaneous celebrations that have been breaking out throughout Cactus World to mark the occasion. I now have light in my kitchen that doesn’t back away in fear when threatened by a candle, and a lounge that doesn’t has a less welcoming glow than a lump of plutonium in your bed. Low energy light bulbs? For £70 I expect them to be so efficient I actually receive payments for supplying electricity to the national grid every time I use them!
2006 – Certificate: 15 – Mexico
This is a brilliant film. It’s original, interesting, childlike and innocent, yet grown-up and horrifying. I watched it on Blu-ray and it sounded great and looked wonderful. The only reason I haven’t given it a higher score is that I never quite connected with the main characters in it. Even at its most intense, it did feel like they were playing a secondary role in supporting the movie’s feel and atmosphere. In a different film I’d probably be moaning about how one dimensional they were, but in this case it doesn’t seem to matter; in fact their simplistic, goodness vs evilness helps to focus the mind on the textual elements of the film. I’ve no idea what I just wrote means, but it sounds great to me! It’s a wonderfully dark, genera-mixing and unique film. Go watch.
Recommended for people that like the concept of horror nursery rhymes.
No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.
Top badass moment? Mercedes dealing with Captain Vidal. He was a seriously arrogant asshole with an inferiority complex and a whole take-away of chips on his shoulder. Dealing with people like that is always badass. The Joker look suited him.