Posts tagged “Toilet

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead / Becoming a Master of Time


Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead  -  Front DVD Cover  -  US ReleaseDealing with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, karate student Megumi accompanies a group of older friends on a trip into the woods.  Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that’ll help keep her skinny!  Attacked by a crowd of undead who emerge from an outhouse toilet, the group seek refuge at the home of Dr. Tanaka and his daughter Sachi.  Unbeknownst to them, Tanaka has been conducting experiments on the parasites and the zombies!

2011  –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  Japanese Film
7.0 out of 10

In the distant future, a scientist creates a shock-wave of anti-time, which then travels backwards through history.  Four fragments of a time crystal lost in four different timezones are needed to create a second shock-wave, which will eliminate the first one.  This has nothing to do with this film, but in the last century (1997 to be exact) a game for the PC called Timeshock was released and that was the basic plot.  This was (and still is) an excellent simulation of a pinball machine.  (A lot of the music used in it was written by half of Stiff Little Fingers too.)  I must have played it 1000s of times.   But like many things, as my life moved on (or stagnated to be more accurate) I stopped doing so.  Earlier this year I found out that a new version was being released via a Kickstarter campaign.  So I paid some money and now patiently await the arrival of this update.  However, whilst waiting I thought it would be fun to play the original again.  Despite playing it so often, I’d never quite managed to get all the way through it; occasionally I’d get close, but ultimately mess things up with the result that the Universe was destroyed, which was never very good for my self-esteem.  A few weeks ago I went to see The Wedding Present.  (The fourth best band on the planet.)  I was still a bit ‘buzzy’ when I got home, so I thought I’d play a few games of Timeshock before going to bed.  Despite the darkened room, the early morning hour, my sweat soaked t-shirt and being knackered from my earlier attempts to ‘dance’, I somehow got through to the ‘last bit’, where my meddling always ends up with the destruction of the Universe.  As usual I got off to my usual, panicky, crappy start.  But with the time ticking down I entered one of those oh too rare moments of mental clarity and physical coordination.  Being told I’d saved the Universe and consequently was now a Master of Time, has had a profound effect on my inner being.  I think I now realise what all my life has been preparing me for.  However, it wasn’t this film.

This movie is everything it sounds like it’ll be and a whole lot more.  Consider this though for a moment: there’s a futility in trying to explain the point of certain things.  Wind, fog, dust, wasps, mangos, pizza delivery leaflets, bottled water, slip-covers on DVDs.  This film is another.  It has little in common with either “The Matrix” or “2001: A Space Odyssey”.  But on a very primitive level it is quite entertaining.  In many ways this is the perfect movie and manages to pull together aspects of just about every dodgy Japanese film ever made.  It does have a fair bit of action in it and some (but not all) of the effects are pretty good.  It’s well made for what it is and provides a most entertaining encounter of the most juvenile kind.  From the horrible, 60s style opening credits to the flying battle scene near the end, it manages to cram in enough clichés to make anyone feel a bit queasy.  And I guess it’s simply not possible to fill a whole film with nothing but jokes based on flatulence, (although it does try).  Not surprisingly it maxes out on the official toilet humour scale, but given its title I can’t really imagine anyone watching it would be expecting to get a “Citizen Kane” experience. However, I was struck by the though that just a couple of Rennies could have solved the whole zombie, parasite, bonkers doctor and daughter problem very easily.

Musically the film actually has a decent horror soundtrack.  Maybe the composer wasn’t told all the details?  However the trailer is clearly in on the joke.  Why does the voice over become more and more German as it goes along?

Recommended for would-be models, karate experts, mad scientists and anyone with a digestive illness.

No cats, chainsaws  or decapitations.  However, a number heads explode or get totally squashed; I’d say around a dozen.

Top badass moment?  Megumi fighting the Nekurogedoro queen (or whatever it is) is pretty badass.  Using only the power of her, em, ‘indigestion’, to fly through the air, it’s difficult to imagine anything, ever, could be literally quite as badass as that.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead at IMDB (5.1 / 10)      Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead at Wikipedia      Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead at YouTube

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Heavenly Creatures / Rebranding Has Unforeseen Consequences


Heavenly Creatures  -  Front Blu-ray Cover (UK Release)It was the film that put Peter Jackson on the international film circuit.  It was the film that rocketed Kate Winslet to fame. It was the film based on a crime that shocked a nation.  Discover the grim and wonderful world of “Heavenly Creatures”.  Pauline is a student in New Zealand who has no affection for her family or her classmates, but when the beautiful and wealthy Juliet enrols at her school the pair become best friends.  Through their shared tastes in art, literature, and music they begin to build an elegant fantasy world.  However, when Juliet’s parents threaten to separate the girls, they make a ruthless pact to preserve their fairytale forever, whatever the cost…  Starring Academy-Award winner Kate Winslet (“Titanic”), Melanie Lynskey (“Two and a Half Men”, “Win Win”) and directed by Academy-Award winner Peter Jackson (“The Lord of the Rings” trilogy), “Heavenly Creatures” is a gripping and intelligent account of a friendship with a dark edge.

1994  –  Certificate: 18  –  New Zealand
Rating Details: Infrequent strong bloody violence
8 out of 10

About a year ago we ‘rebranded’ at work.  Out went all the stuffy, 20th Century imagery and in came a fun, cool, 21st Century, 20-teens look.  Our sturdy, reliable fleeces were ripped from our backs by ‘The Management’ and burnt in a huge pyre of green and black polyester.  In their place came thin, dark blue hoodies, with bits of trendy string and other things hanging from all over them; (remember the latter, they’re important later on).  Everyone over the age of 25 had to attend special training courses, to enable us to wear them without spontaneously going into either an 80’s training montage (a la “Rocky”), or out to hang around on street corners and mug old ladies.  I was told mine made me looked 20 years younger, (or as I suspect, just like an old bloke trying to look 20 years younger).  Now, let’s come back to the present day.  On Friday I was answering the call of nature.  In an effort to prevent one of the “bits of trendy string” ‘getting in the way’ so to speak, I undid the zip on my hoodle.  In doing so, a pocket thought it would be really fun and cool to throw my mobile phone into the toilet.  Our trusty fleeces had deeper pockets with zips on them; I’d never had a fleece pocket do that to me.  So there I was, urinating on my own mobile, casually wondering how long it could withstand being in the water and how exactly I was going to get it out in anything resembling a hygienic way.  Anyway, one rubber glove and several minutes later…  Although it had been switched on before it went swimming, it now wasn’t working.  It was well and truly dead, save for a couple of flickering, fading lights at the side that put me in mind of The Terminator’s eyes after it gets bashed to bits and dies, just before it comes alive again; although there was no sign of my phone rerouting itself to take advantage of an alternative power source.  My mobile is a Nokia 6300, the sort of phone that’s given to ‘top executives’ like myself, at least it was 7 years ago when I got it.  And despite its slick 90’s styling, it’s about as water-resistant as, well (as we’re on the subject anyway), a sheet of toilet paper.  I disassembled it, poured the urine/water mixture out of it and left it to dry.  At least it hadn’t exploded; if my life was a Hollywood action movie I’m pretty sure it would have done and I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with an exploding lavatory.  The next day I put all the bits back together again and switched it on.  Nothing happened.  I shook it, hit it, put it in the microwave oven for 30 seconds, (okay I lied about the microwave), but still it didn’t work.  I started trying to think of excuses I could use when fessing up at work that I’d broken it.  Who could I blame?  The hoddie designers?  The branding manager?  The chief executive?  Maybe I could just say it had broken of old age?  Then I had an “Independence Day” moment.  Do you know the bit in the film when the President of the United States is flying a jet fighter and fires a missile at one of the alien spaceships and it doesn’t work and he says something like, “I’m going to have one more try?”  Well I had much the same experience with my Nokia.  I pressed the on button, kept my finger on it for ages and suddenly it shook and spluttered into life.  Amazing.  Now I’ve just got to work out how to decontaminate it.  This movie doesn’t feature any of these things at all, not even a passing reference to them.

This film is based on the true-life story of two school-girls in the 50s who formed a very close relationship and ended up murdering one of the mothers.  It was the movie that bought Peter “Lord of the Rings” Jackson and Kate “the second most beautiful woman in the world” Winslet to public prominence.  After 20 minutes I really thought it was going to be rubbish, especially as I’m not a great fan of period dramas or real-life dramatisations, but then it suddenly got good.  It’s a hard film to pigeonhole, a genuine one-off. It’s really an adult fairytale, despite it closely following the story of the murder.  The music in the film works really well and it has one scene, near the end, that’s an authentically brilliant bit of intense cinema.  It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is probably one that everyone should see.  It also throws up a whole range of interesting questions, about the nature of their relationship, the reaction of their parents to it, their mental condition, their treatment at school, their relationship with their parents.  In many ways it’s a shame it’s based on a real story, as the fact that someone really was killed sort of makes it hard to form a detached opinion of everything.  I watched the shorter, original cut (as I have it on Blu-ray and it looked really nice); of course, being the sad, nerdy film person I am, I also own the extended version too, on DVD.

No cats or chainsaws and 1 decapitation, although the latter is off-screen.

Recommended for all film fans; and psycho school-girls.

Top badass moment?  Juliet walks into a French lesson at her posh new school and within 30 seconds tells the teacher she’s made a mistake.  Having myself once been teaching on a butterfly identification course and had someone in the group suddenly shout out I’d misidentified a butterfly on one of the slides I was showing, I can personally relate just how badass that is.  I’ve never run that training course since.  I hate butterflies now, they’re scum, only fit to be squashed.

Heavenly Creatures at IMDB (7.5/10)