Posts tagged “Torture Porn

Dread / Getting Caught Up in a Police Chase, Very Slowly


Dread  -  Front DVD Cover (UK Release)Based on the acclaimed short story from Clive Barker’s “Books of Blood: Volume II”, “Dread” is a psychological thriller centered on three college students who study other people’s fears.  As the study unfolds, one of the students begins to seek salvation from his own obsessions by exploiting the terrors of his fellow participants.  Starring Jackson Rathbone (“Twilight Saga”, “S. Darko”) and Shaun Evans (“Telstar”, “The Take”).

2009  –  Certificate: 18  –  USA
Rating Details: Strong language, once very strong, and strong bloody violence
8 out of 10

Last Tuesday I had to go to a meeting, in central London.  I didn’t have to be there until 12:30, so I’d thought, great, that would give me a couple of hours to read the things I needed to go through, before taking a nice, comfortable trip (out of the rush-hour) on the train.  I switch on my computer at 8:15.  Nothing happened.  No sound like I’m in a wind-tunnel (thanks to the eight fans inside the case), no meaningless messages on the monitor, no rattling of the metal case (because I’m too lazy to do up the screws from when I last pulled it to bits).  No sound is not a good sign.  Using my brilliant Homes-like powers of deduction, I quickly deduced that the power unit has failed, again; it’s only been about two years since I last replaced it too.  (What is it with electronic things these days, does every-single one break-down after two years?)  No matter; that’s a quick, two-mile round trip to Maplins for a new one and back, nothing that £70 won’t put right; then I’ll quickly put it in and it’s all fixed before it’s even 9:00.  Now, Reading’s traffic system is ‘fragile’ at best.  So when someone decides to try to get away from the police, crashes and gets killed, it tends to bring the whole lot to a grinding halt.  I eventually got back home after 10:30; it had taken me two hours to drive less than three miles!  I did get to see the aforementioned ‘incident’ on the other carriageway as I, very, very slowly, drove past it, which despite the crash happening the night before, was still totally blocking the main route into Reading from the M4.  It’s not that I’m not unsympathetic.  The poor guy, just 19 years old, was being chased by six police cars (including an armed response team and dog-handlers), crashed, got thrown from the vehicle and then run over by one of the police cars chasing him.  I can only imagine he must have been an international terrorist, with an armed nuclear device and special powers that would somehow have enabled his clap-out Ford Fiesta to outrun any police vehicle, hence the need for such a response.  He wasn’t even a Muslin, or Black either, just some local lad who’d probably done something he shouldn’t’ve.  And now he’s lost his life, his family and friends are all devastated and one police officer has that on his conscience forever.  I guess that puts my broken power unit into prospective.  And I ended up having to stand on the train, in both directions.

The first 15 minutes of this film are a mess, as a desperate race against time takes place to introduce us to everyone and establish a back-story for them as quickly as possible.  There was no sign of Judge Dredd either!  Fortunately, things improved greatly after that.  I have to admit that this is an excellent, modern horror, which manages to capture some of the essence of what makes films like “Saw” work so well, as opposed to just featuring a series of gross ways to hurt people.  As the big ‘sticker’ in the middle of the cover proudly proclaims, it stars some guy who was in “Twilight”.   No matter that this blatant bit of marketing totally spoils the cover art, (not that it’s especially inspiring but, you know, it’s the principle).  Interestingly, one of the lead female characters has a huge birth mark, which I think is supposed to make us feel sorry for her.  Unfortunately, they picked such a beautiful actress to play the part that she just came across as looking exotic and still really hot.  Still, realism isn’t what I was watching it for; I’d had plenty of that in the traffic jam and it wasn’t fun or nice at all.  Needless to say, as a vegan, the scene with vegetarian Cheryl and the bit of beef was of particular enjoyment.  Will she or won’t she?  It was probably horse meat anyway.  If you can forgive its more irritating moments, this is a great horror and well worth watching, if you like that sort of stuff.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Recommended for masochistic vegetarians and the normal array of weirdos who get their kicks watching movies like this.

Top badass moment?  It’s pretty predictable and to be honest a bit weak in badass terms, but I suppose it’s Stephen going off to try to find Cheryl after she’d been kidnapped.  Not that it did either of them much good.  He’d had the hots for her for ages anyway.  I bet he wouldn’t have bothered if it had been someone else, me for example.

Dread at IMDB (5.7/10)

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Saw: 4.5 Stars


Saw  -  Front DVD Cover (UK)I watch a lot of horror films.  So you’d think by now that I’d be used to people being killed, mutilated, raped, dismembered, or otherwise psychologically damaged.  But this week I’ve come face to face with real horror.  My Cyclamen has been infected with Mealy Bugs!  Like a crappy, straight-to-video horror, these little bastards just appeared, with little or no back-story and just got down to the business of terrorising my pot plant and by association, me.  It’s a home invasion experience of the worst kind.  All the leaves and even the pot are covered in some sort of evil, disgusting, Mealy Bug pus, whilst the sniveling little cowards hide beneath the leaves, plotting their next nefarious move.  Like a good slasher movie icon, they pouch on the innocents, newly emerging leaves, infecting them with an unearthly virus (or whatever it is that Mealy Bugs do).  It’s like watching a house plant version of “28 Days Later” or “Doomsday”.  They’re hideously ugly and have an aura I can only describe as feeling like undiluted, pure hate.  In a similar was to the Borg, they are seemingly linked to a single hive mind, intent on destroying all houseplant life on my bedroom window sill.  I’m half expecting the US to target my flat with a Cruise Missile, in an effort to destroy them before they take over the world.  I’ve not quite worked out how to get rid of them yet.  Negotiation has so far proved futile.  Strangely, my Cyclamen seems little effected by their malevolent presence thus far and is currently presenting me with 15 beautiful, pink flowers, although its leaves drip with a rancid, putrid slime that could have come from Hell itself.  I’ve got to rid my plant of them, and in a way that doesn’t leave any opportunity for a sequel!  After facing this crisis, this movie seems a bit tame.

2004  –  Certificate: 18  –  USA
Rating Details: Strong bloody violence

I’d forgotten just how good a thriller this film is.  So, it also gets credited for popularising torture porn, which later movies in the series do feature more heavily, but this one isn’t that explicitly gory.  It is however, clever, interesting and challenging.  Although I didn’t really care for the two main characters, I still worried about what was going to happen to them.  Sure they were flawed, annoying and a bit pathetic, but I was concerned enough about them that part of me wanted them to escape; no one deserves that much shit.  The film also does a good job of making the viewer feel a bit sorry for the perpetrator, too, which makes for a great set-up if you want to experience a range of feelings as things progress.  A great modern horror classic.

Recommended for fans of genuinely great thrillers and horrors.

No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.  There are a couple of hacksaws though.

Top badass moment?  It’s got to be Alison Gordon, fighting back against Zep and doing so pretty successfully.  With only the advantage of surprise, she manages to defend herself and her young daughter against a younger guy armed with a gun.  That’s got to be badass.  She’s had more balls that her pathetic husband, whose mindset was, “oh, my child and wife (whose back behind I’m having an affair) are in trouble; I know, I’ll cut my foot off.”  Yeh, good thinking Batman, give that man a cigar.

Saw at IMDB (7.7 / 10)

Cyclamen


Tomboys: 2.0 Stars


Tomboys  -  Front Blu-ray CoverToday I bought myself a Zyliss Swivel Peeler!  It has a chunky, ergonomic handle designed to fit comfortably in the palm, whilst the hardened steel blade gives it long-lasting performance. (I’ve got the black and white version, but they make a green one too; the colours are apparently inspired by nature.)  It also has a sharp steel tip for the removal of blemishes and de-eyeing; just how fucking cool is that?  It comes with a 5 year guarantee as well.  I tried it on a potato tonight and OMG, it was like being let loose in a Bugatti EB 16.4 Veyron Super Sport (the world’s fastest production car) on a race track, after spending years in Reading’s rush-hour traffic in a Fiat Doblo (the car with the worst acceleration that’s currently available to buy in the UK; 0-60 in 21 seconds).  I was in potato heaven.  That’s worth £8 of anyone’s money.  Anyway, my Zyliss Swivel Peeler is a product of Swiss “precision design”, made by a German company in China; but hey, it’s distributed in the UK, so that probably means we’re at the top of the potato peeler food chain…  This movie is pure Australian and isn’t at the top of anything.

2009  –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  Australia

This film was shot entirely in an old shed, in Australia, at night.  It features a group of five young ladies who’ve decided to take revenge on a guy who’s been abusing one of them for years.  He’s described and shown as having absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever; (cue not very funny feminist joke about all men fitting this description).  The only real bit of social commentary in the film is a brief conversation about that fact that he doesn’t realise he’s done anything very wrong, which could have led somewhere a bit more interesting; but this is quickly thrown aside in an effort to get back to the ‘action’.  Unfortunately, most of the ‘action’ consists of the group moralising over what it’s doing, rather than simply just doing it.  Yes I want to do it, no I don’t want to do it… in the end I didn’t really care one way or the other.  The acting wasn’t going to gain itself many Oscar nominations either.  I did briefly start to feel sorry for Kat when she was describing how her life had been messed up, but most of the time I couldn’t care less about any of them.  Once or twice the acting became so bad that I started to feel sorry for the actors themselves, rather than the characters.  I have this film on Blu-ray.  I think it’s the worst looking Blu-ray disc I’ve ever watched.  I’m not sure if it was just filmed badly, or the crappiness was deliberately added post-production to give it a more ‘authentic, gritty’ feel, but it’s horrible.    The sleeve even manages to get the sound mix hopelessly wrong; there’s nothing Dolby Surround 7.1 about this film.  (Can you even get Dolby Surround 7.1 on consumer discs?  I think not.  “Toy Story 3” was the first film with Dolby Surround 7.1 sound and that didn’t come out until June 2010, the year after this film was released.)  At its most gruesome, this movie does make you (guys anyway) want to cross your legs, very, very tightly, but most of the time you’ll just be getting angry because of the quality of the picture, the crappy lighting and all the moralising going on.  The masks that are worn at one point will also baffle even the most astute viewer.  (Really, what were they for?)  Australia also appears to have the world’s most ineffective police force too.  Sure, they turn up, but the time it took them to get into the shed was pitiful.  Don’t expect anything much in the way of special effects either; it’s really not an especially gory film, although it does have its moments, just not very many of them. I did start to feel that the person who was suffering the most was me.  It could have been a good film, but it ends up lost somewhere between torture porn and thriller and not in a good place either.  “What happens in the barn stays in the barn.”  I wish.  And finally, the scene where a knife is sharpened on a sharpening stone uses entirely the wrong technique; all what was shown would achieve is to blunt the knife and trust me, it really needed to be sharp for what it got used for.

Recommended for people who want to experience real pain when viewing a film; just not the same sort of pain that’s on-screen.

No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.  It does however feature someone called Kat; and there’s an amputation too.  Looks really nasty.

Top badass moment?  Well I guess this has to be Crystal and her strap-on.  In a film with all the lighting and colour subtlety of the inside of a metal dustbin, with the lid on it, that bright splash of pink was very welcome.

Tomboys on IMDB (3.7/10)


Penetration Angst: 3.5 Stars


Penetration Angst  -  Front DVD CoverYesterday I drove for two and a half hours, then spent three hours teaching three people how to drive a minibus, then spent another two and a half hours sitting in a minibus watching them drive it, then drove for another two and a half hours home.  Yesterday the world seemed to be full of idiots driving cars, and I’m not referring to the learners who I was with either.  At one point on the way home I was driving along a bit of dual carriageway and slowly catching a yellow car up.  I don’t generally drive that fast, rarely more than 60 m.p.h., as I want to give myself the illusion that somehow I’m doing my bit to save the planet whilst simultaneously driving nearly 1,000 miles a month.  Anyway, I pulled out to overtake the yellow car.  As I passed it and looked in my mirror to see if I could go back into the inside lane, I noticed it had speeded up.  I ended up doing over 80 with this fucking asshole still playing stupid buggers next to me.  After having had to put up with so many other cretins on the roads yesterday, something snapped inside.  I jerked the steering wheel to the left and hit the yellow car, forcing it off the road and down an embankment into a field, where I think it hit a tree or something and burst into flames.  I’m not sure what happened to the driver and I don’t care as long as it hurt; I didn’t bother to stop and check what had happened to him.  What a selfish bastard he was too, as I’ve now I’ve got a dent in my car to explain away and get fixed. It’s a jungle out there on the roads.  (Just like Dennis Weaver in Steven Spielberg’s classic “Dual”, I never really got a good look at my protagonist.)  Well, okay that only happened in my mind, but the intent (if not the guts) was there.  In fact what did happen is that I gave up trying to overtake the yellow car and humiliatingly went back to 60 m.p.h. behind it.  However, as cars, driving and men are inextricably linked to the latter’s sexual prowess and I failed to overtake the yellow car, I think I’m probably impotent now.  He, on the other hand, is probably making his first porn movie even as I type this.  Great!  In a similar way, this film is about a young woman with intimacy issues.

2003  –  Certificate: 18  –  United Kingdom

I think the makers of this film started off wanting to make a serious torture porn movie but then got fed up with the idea and decided a comedy slasher/thriller would be a much better idea.  Otherwise why suddenly introduce a bizarre sub-plot involving Siamese twins and then another one about a bank robbing stripper? It’s original, I’ll give it that.  It suffers from some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen, yet at other times it’s really okay.  Fiona Horsey (the lead character) is a bit of a babe; (am I still allowed to say stuff like that)?  All the men in the film are portrayed as perverts, deviants, weirdos, rapists, sociopaths and murderers; the woman don’t do a lot better either, but the guys really do get a bit of a hammering.  Ultimately it’s an entertaining movie, simply because it’s so ridiculous.  I did feel a bit sorry for Helen, no one is that unlucky with men.  Most of it was filmed on the Isle of Wight too.

Recommended for someone; not sure who, but someone.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.  However, plenty of men do, em, ‘disappear’ inside Helen, totally.

Top badass moment?  In a film filled with characters that are simultaneously both pathetic and horrible, there’s not a terribly large choice.  So I guess it has to be Helen, for simply putting up with so much shit.  They say dealing with it well makes you a stronger person.

Penetration Angst at IMDB (3.9/10)


Chaos: 3.5 Stars


Chaos  -  Front DVD CoverUsing words like “Games”, “Two Thousand and Twelve”, “2012” or “Twenty-Twelve”, in association with the words “London”, “Medals”, Sponsors”, “Summer”, “Gold”, Silver” or ”Bronze”, is apparently illegal under the 2006 Olympic Act.  So I’d just like to say that my comments here are the Official Pointless Whinging London Summer Olympics 2012 Gold Medal winning ones.  I bet that will piss off McDonald’s and Visa no end.  What’s with all this Official nonsense anyway?  Don’t these companies care that the rest of the word is pissing itself laughing at them, as if anyone else gives a damm?  I guess not, as (for example) everyone within 10,000 miles of an Olympic event will be forced to buy chips (sorry “fries” I mean) from the scary clown, because no one else is allowed to sell any portions of chips on their own.  (Not that the fries McDonalds sells share any real similarities with proper chips anyway; it’s just that I hate the idea of lots of first-time visitors to England getting the wrong idea about what is actually our biggest contribution to the world’s classic foods.)  I guess I now know what all those missiles and RAF jets are for, to enforce the “No Chips Unless They’re From McDonald’s Exclusion Zone” around the Olympics.  You walk into that area with a bag from the local chippy and you’re likely to get targeted by a smart bomb.  (I wonder who’s the supplier of the Official Dog Turd to the Olympics?  Oh, I’ve just noticed, it McDonald’s again, it’s on the menu, 99p; actually that’s pretty good value when you think about it, as it comes  with a side salad and a plastic toy if you’re over 4.)  It’s like living in some sort of mythical, hard-line communist state, where you have no choice and ‘everything’ is provided for you, which is a bit ironic considering where McDonald’s came from in the first place.  With about as much credibility and connection to the truth as Official Olympic stuff has to the amazing abilities of the athletes competing there, this film claims to be “the most brutal movie ever made”.  Well, let’s peak in and find out…

2005  –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  USA

I’d just like to start by saying that I watched this film on 13th July 2012, the day one of the actors in it, Sage Stallone, sadly died.  Poor guy.  So anyway, this horror pretty much follows the normal routine; two young women go off into the woods and bad stuff happens to them.  If you don’t like films like this, then nothing else in it is going to make up for that fact and you’ll hate it; it’s pretty gross stuff.  A lot of people seem to object to the fact that the bad guy (Chaos) gets away with it in the end, but that’s life.  Baddies often get away with a lot in real life before (sometimes) getting their comeuppance.  The picture quality of the DVD I watched was really good and some of the acting and the effects weren’t bad either.  The script was a bit dodgy at times and the ending, while quite a lot of ‘fun’, was a bit bizarre.  The police (let’s call them cops so as to differentiate them from the good old British Bobby), are portrayed as hugely racist and somewhat ineffectual.  But the two young actresses in it and Kevin Gage (Chaos) put in pretty convincing performances, including the more harrowing scenes.  I’d quite like to see Chaos again, he’s one sick bastard.  So is it “the most brutal movie ever made”?  Well how on earth should I know?  Do you think I’ve watching every single film ever made?  Do you think I own some sort of Official Brutal Movie measuring device?   Of course not.  Those are being provided by Samsung as part of the Summer Olympics, so I’m not allowed to have one.  Finally, I can’t finish without commenting on the “rave” mentioned in the Overview.  From what you get to see and hear of it, this has to be The most disappointing party of all time.  Things really are slow in the sticks in America.

No cats, no decapitations and one chainsaw.  The chainsaw was used in a somewhat unconvincing attempt by the father of one of the women to fight Chaos.  I’d stick to cutting up logs in the garden mate, if I was you. 

Recommended for people who want to watch a sick bastard torture and kill just about everyone else.  Oh, I guess they include me then; how embarrassing.  Someone on IMDB said “These movies are made for one audience – psychotic future and current serial killers, rapists, and other vile humans.  I wish movies, and the audience members who enjoy this crap would all instantly combust in flames and burn for eternity.”  I wonder if the writer of that saw the irony in it? 

Top badass moment?  Justine’s (Deborah Lacey) last stand at the end.  Entirely futile, but that’s what makes it so badass.  I just hope she got some small satisfaction from knowing she’d been right all along.

By the way, I really couldn’t find a trailer in English anywhere; it seems only the Germans were honoured with one, so here it is.

Chaos at IMDB (3.1/10)


Creep: 3.5 Stars


Creep  -  Front DVD CoverI’ve probably made thousands of journeys on the London Underground in my life, a lot of them early in the morning or late at night.  I think I can say that I’ve never noticed anyone famous, seen any fights, heard a gun-shot or met any homicidal maniacs.  I’ve met a small number of weirdos, but that’s about it.  I’m always secretly impressed by people who seemingly see a politician or film star on the Underground nearly every week, have tales of gunman or knife-wielding hoddies to share, or who regularly get trapped for hours in tunnels on broken-down trains.  Maybe it has something to do with my ability to put on an iPod and fall asleep in almost any location; to me, the Underground is basically an uncomfortable, mobile bed.  It’s like sleeping in a communal dormitory, where half the people look as miserable as sin, wear suits and never speak, whilst the other half talk all the time (but never in English), wear a range of strange clothing (I guess it’s all in fashion somewhere in the world) and continually look with confusion at a pocket-sized map of the Tube.  However, I love the Underground, it’s a great social leveler.  It’s a place where everyone can share equally in its sweltering, fetid, humid, summer ambience; enjoy having their faces pushed into other peoples’ armpits; or try desperately not to end up standing in the middle of an aisle, miles away from the doors that they’ve got zero chance of getting to when they want to get off and where whoever’s sitting adjacent to where they’re standing will have an eye-level and close-up view of their crotch, whether they want to or not; (remember kids, don’t get ‘excited’ and always go to the toilet and check your undies for the dreaded VPL, before you travel).  It’s another example of a great bit of British engineering!  (The Tube, not crotches.)

2004  –  Certificate: 18  –  United Kingdom

Rating Details: Strong bloody violence

This is a pretty good horror.  The London Underground has plenty of potential to provide a creepy environment in which to trap people and it’s cool to see it used in this way in a film.  It does drift off into torture porn territory towards the end, but it’s still entertaining.  There’s loads of unrealistic stuff in it too, but let’s not dwell on that, as it will only spoil an otherwise pretty good movie.  It also does a good job of making you have some sympathy for the ‘baddie’ too.  I do hope all the survivors got checked for Weil’s Disease afterwards; it would be shame to escape from everything, only to succumb to an unpleasant disease a few weeks late; that would really suck.

Recommended for Tube fans, commuters and people who enjoy swimming in sewerage.  If you fall into all three groups, then you’re in for a real treat; and you’re one sick puppy too.

No cats and no decapitations.  There were a lot of rats and some decent neck cutting scenes though.

Top badass moment?  It really has to be Kate throughout most of the film.  She has to try to save the life of a guy who tries to rape her, deal with unhelpful London Underground staff, swim around with rats in sewerage, watch several people get killed, deal with the baddie herself and then still have to get home afterwards.  Shit happens; dealing with it is badass.

Creep at IMDB


Dans ma peau: 3.5 Stars


Dans Ma Peau  -  Front CoverFar be it for me to ever admit I have any sort of imperfections, but up until a few years ago I used to bite my nails.  Then one day I realised I’d more or less stopped doing it.  Weird isn’t it?  I’ve no idea what made me stop, but there you go.  One of life’s little mysteries.  This isn’t really a film about biting fingernails, which is probably a positive thing as I can’t imagine it would be very entertaining if it was.  It’s more about someone who’s ambitious at work, who over-stretches herself and as a result of an accident at a partly, starts to self-harm in increasingly extreme ways.  I really wanted to feel sorry for Esther, the main character in this movie.  After all, she clearly has some big issues she needs to deal with and I’m a nice, caring person; no, really I am.  Trouble is, she was basically a selfish bitch and I got the feeling she always had been.  Decent job, caring boyfriend, intelligent, but still managing to be a bitch to everyone, but in that sneaky way only the clever ones can be.  She also uses these same ‘skills’ to hide her new ‘hobby’ from those around her, or at least hide enough of what she does to give them an excuse not to do anything to help her, because that’s easier isn’t it?  I bet they felt pretty bad about it all after the film ended (if that makes any sense)?  Not that I liked any of them really, not my type at all.  Pretty boring, dull, unpleasant people the lot of them.

2002  –  Certificate: 18

Rating Details:  Frequent bloody images of self-mutilation

This is an interesting, intense, French horror.  It’s weird how a country that managed to invent a type of bread that’s so impractical it doesn’t actually fit into anyone’s shopping bag (stupid or what), also manages to produce some really great horrors.  Its self-harming scenes are genuinely unsettling; it’s the sound and the look on Esther’s face more than just simply the gory bits.  It has very good effects and it has to be said the acting is excellent too.  I was glad I hadn’t eaten before watching it.  The scene with the arm during the meal in the restaurant is a bit surreal though and sort of doesn’t quite fit in with the tone of the rest of the film.

No cats and no decapitations.

Recommended for people into slow, intense, quiet horror, with a high “eew factor”.  Not recommended for people who get grossed out during first aid training courses.

Top badass moment?  In the words of the Smiths, “I tried but I failed”.  There’re no characters in this movie with enough redeeming qualities to qualify them as badass.  They weren’t exactly bad, but none had that self-sacrificing ‘hero quality’ that I was looking for. Move along now, nothing to see here; just a lot of flawed humans.

Dans ma peau at IMDB


Is This the Worst Film Ever?


We don’t have forever on this Earth. Even if we don’t manage to wreck it totally in the next few years, most of us only have a finite amount of time here. Today I’m dealing with the guilt of having squandered 89 minutes of mine, watching possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen, Premier Désirs. This 1983 film from France is wrong on so, so many levels. In fact it’s probably wrong on every level. It was directed by David Hamilton, the famous photographer best known for his arty child porn; (sorry, I meant to say his classic studies of beautiful young women); not to be confused with DJ “Diddy” David Hamilton. So why is it so bad? Well…

Premier Desirs

Premier Desirs

It’s filmed in a stupid 1.66:1 aspect ratio. If you’re going to try to do widescreen, don’t piss about with “fat academy ratio”. It’s not funny and it’s not clever; it’s just stupid.

It’s got mono sound and it’s full of crackles and hisses. Clearly a film that claims to be so big on photogenics has conveniently forgotten about what it sounds like. I personally don’t enjoy listening to anything with a bowl of Rice Krispies and box of snakes attached to my head.

It’s dubbed into English. No French soundtrack or English subtitles were available on my DVD. Dubbing is the spawn of the Devil.

Now I could forgive its technical limitations if it actually had a good story, but sadly the story makes no sense at all. Trust me, it’s abysmal, inconsistent, stupid, unrealistic, nonsensical, irritating and encapsulates everything that’s bad and old-fashioned about France. It’s the sort of story only those who are entirely and utterly isolated from need, could ever hope to relate to.  Every character is a caricature and nearly every scene is ridiculous, with the final big scene a horrifyingly tasteless one.  It’s not so much it’s full of plot holes, it’s more that it’s all hole and no plot.  I could feel myself dying just a little inside, second by second.  It brings a whole new meaning to the film genera of torture porn!

I came in from the corner shop this afternoon and found Penny had decided to be sick on the carpet, and this film immediately popped into my head.

No, I didn’t like it very much.

Right now I’m listening to a live version of “This is Not a Love Song” by Public Image Limited.