The stunning Laura Gemser stars as Emanuelle, the fearless fashion photographer and investigative photojournalist whose thirst for adventure is matched only by her insatiable erotic hunger. But when Emanuelle uncovers shocking evidence of an international snuff film conspiracy, she is plunged into an odyssey of forbidden passion, depraved desires and unspeakable human brutality. From the lust-filled streets of New York City to the corrupt corridors of Washington D.C. and beyond, one of the most controversial sex and gore epics in exploitation history has finally come home: This is “Emanuelle in America”! Everything you’ve heard about this jaw-dropping cult classic is true: graphic sex, harrowing violence, a horse named Pedro and much, much more. Directed by the notorious Joe D’Amato (“Beyond the Darkness”), “Emanuelle in America” has been newly mastered from pristine vault materials and is now presented completely uncut for the first time ever!
1976 – Certificate: Not Rated – Italian Film
5.0 out of 10
Last weekend provided Cactus World with its warmest day of the year so far. Apparently it got to nearly 70F in some parts. The roads will be melting again at this rate… Anyway, I was so excited by this sudden burst of warmth that I decided to wash nearly every bit of clothing that I normally wear, so even if my washing machine’s dryer failed to work (as is often the case) I’d still be able to dry things by draping them attractively all around my lounge. I never did get to find out about the dryer, as the washing machine decided that this time it wasn’t going to bother spinning anything instead. I was left with a big pile of soaking wet clothing that even now, some 70 hours later, has only just dried out. I had to go to an external meeting for work on Monday morning in wet clothes. What fun! I spent all of Sunday converting my lounge into a DIY sauna, as my dripping clothing and heating combined to produce a pretty decent impersonation of a rain forest. It hardly ever gets that hot here, even in the summer; Cactus World isn’t well-known for its extremes of temperature. The only signs of happiness came from the pot plants, who all thought their Christmases and birthdays had come at once. This film was probably viewed as ‘hot’ in the 70s, but now it just comes across as a bit creepy, old and at times unintentionally funny.
Emanuelle, the “fearless fashion photographer and investigative photojournalist” (I’d like to have seen her fit that on her passport) investigates the seedy world of decadent politicians and snuff movies. Potentially an interesting and exciting plot for a horror-thriller, instead she seems to spend most of her time in various states of undress, or watching others in a similar position. I’ve heard of people enjoying their jobs, but even on a good day I don’t enjoy mine quite that much; (which I sure comes as a great relief to all my colleagues). The admittedly attractive Laura Gemser isn’t very convincing as a private investigator, although what she lacks in ability she makes up for with good fortune. An example? Undercover as some rich asshole’s plaything, she randomly wonders about his estate for a few minutes, where she finds a load of guns hidden in a crate under some sacks in a stable. Yes, that’s bound to happen isn’t it? Not that they play any other part in the movie after that of course. Still, all journalists do these days is hack people’s mobile phones, whereas Laura most definitely had to do it the hard way. She’s either very brave or very stupid. Sadly, after all her clever undercover work, the newspaper she works for refuses to publish her story and she throws a bit of a wobbly at the editor. So, instead of going to the police with all her evidence, she goes off on holiday with her boyfriend to some tropical island, which then inexplicably turns into a movie set. (No, I didn’t fully understand that either). The End. I did initially get a bit excited at the beginning of the film, when what looked a lot like the view of a star field from a starship travelling at warp, popped up on the screen; but then it turned out it was just the StudioCanal logo. After that things went a bit downhill. To be fair, it still has a few scenes that are likely to ‘surprise’ some people and the snuff film effects are pretty horrific too; but it’s style and presentation now seem so overwhelmingly old fashioned that watching it was more akin to finding a long lost item of clothing, which, despite it’s now utterly unfashionable appearance, is still sort of comforting to wear. A reminder of simpler times perhaps? Did anyone really take this stuff seriously? I’m so glad I was too young in 1976 to notice things like this. Thank God punk came along.
Sadly, I wasn’t able to find a real trailer anywhere. So instead here’s an entirely uneventful clip of Emanuelle in a gondola in Venice, Italy. The film is called “Emanuelle in America” after all.
The music. Yes, the music. It’s a horrible cross between porn-funk, crappy early 70’s soft rock and easy listening. It’s awful, but at the same time works really well in setting up the whole feel of the film. Yep, it really is that bad.
Recommended for investigative journalists, corrupt politicians, swingers and guys with blonde moustaches and silly medallions, who wear white shirts with huge collars.
No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.
Top badass moment? A guy with a gun suddenly pops up in the back of Laura Gemser’s car as she’s driving along. Refusing money or the car, he says all he wants is to strangle and murder her. Personally, that would probably freak me out and make me late for something, but not so the beautiful Laura. Keeping totally cool and using her unique abilities, (which if I’m honest I’m unlikely to be able to reproduce if I should ever find myself in a similar situation), she ‘talks’ her way out of it. I have to admit, that’s badass. She’s a very cool babe.
The battle for Earth continues in this action-packed blockbuster from Michael Bay and executive producer Steven Spielberg. When college-bound Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) learns the truth about the ancient origins of the Transformers, he must accept his destiny and join Optimus Prime and Bumblebee in their epic battle against the Decepticons, who have returned stronger than ever with a plan to destroy our world.
2009 – Certificate 12 – American Film
Moderate action, violence, language, sex and drug references
8.0 out of 10
This is going to be boring, sorry, as it’s about decorating; I’ll get to the film later on. When I moved into where I live now, nearly eight years ago, everything was painted magnolia. I hate magnolia like I hate the idea of all my limbs suddenly detaching themselves; (well obviously not really, but I’m trying to make a point). The first thing I did when I moved in was paint nearly everything a different colour; hall white, bathroom blue and white, lounge yellow and green. For reasons too complex to go into now, (but basically they revolve around me being too poor and lazy), the bedroom and kitchen never got done; and that’s how things have remained ever since. However, inspired by my washing machine’s recent breakdown (and I still haven’t got around to getting it fixed yet) and the subsequent OH MY GOD horror when confronted with the state of things under and behind the washing machine when I pulled it out from its normal resting place, I’m going to ‘do’ the kitchen. It’s going to be red and white. It’s going to be red and white because the kitchen still boasts all it’s original fixtures and fittings and when I pulled all the horrible sticky plastic off everything it’d been stuck on, those are the colours I found underneath. I hope it doesn’t turn me into a Manchester United fan. This is an especially weak link, but the big tile cutter I’ve bought, with all its levers, moving parts and things, could well be a robot in disguise…
Ever eaten too much ice cream, cake or sweets? The big ‘I can rule the world’ sugar hit followed by the comedown? This film is like that. Two and a half hours of too-fast-to-work-out-what-the-hell-is-going-on-half-the-time action, followed by the dreadful realisation that you’ve just taken several months off your lifespan by wearing your soul out. This is a film that’s wrong in so many ways, but if you ignore all of them and just let the stuff that’s going on in front of you batter you senseless, then it’s actually loads of fun. Enjoy watching what’s basically “Team America: World Police” on steroids. Marvel at Megan Fox’s enormous, ‘porn star’ lips. Relish the challenge of working out which fast-moving bundle of scrap metal is which. To impress your mates with later, memorise Optimus Prime’s “Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing” line. Cheer along at every highly unlikely bit of good fortune that comes our heroes’ ways. Be amazed that a load of robots that are huge, clumsy, noisy and trash everything they come into contact with, have managed to stay so well hidden for so long. The highly irritating Sam Witwicky is back, although he’s marginally less irritating this time around, in the same way that a wasp is slightly less irritating than two wasps. Megan Fox is also here again; (I don’t think her character’s got a name, as she’s Megan Fox in a range of tight shorts, so no one really cares about what her character gets up to). On an entirely superficial level (which worked for me), the whole movie looks and sounds great. The special effects are excellent and relentless; whilst it boasts a soundtrack that’s great for pissing off your neighbours. One thing puzzles me though. When I was young, Transformers weren’t “Robots in Disguise”. What they were, were crappy little toys that you quickly lost half the bits for, got annoyed by and soon moved on from. Who are all these people who’re so into them? I’ve never met a single one in my life. When I hear Hasbro, all I can think of are those sticky, disgusting jelly sweets made by Haribo.
Suitably bombastic, the soundtrack does all the things you’d expect it too. It’s not bad.
The trailer is nearly two and a half minutes long, which means you get to see about 1/60th of the film by watching it. Lucky you!
Recommended for robots, students and young women with ‘pouty’ lips. Probably not the best movie for anyone interesting in recruiting new air force or navy pilots; or Egyptians.
No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.
Top badass moment? Despite all the ‘good-guys bad-guys’ stuff going on, the sound of a Transformer saying “bollocks” to a door, works for me. It’s probably the best line in the whole script.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at IMDB (6.0 / 10)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at Wikipedia
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at Roger Ebert (1.0 / 5)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at YouTube
The Internet broke yesterday; at least the bit of it I use. My washing machine’s dryer function also developed a fault at around the same time, which meant it worked fine for about five minutes and then stopped; so I had to stand by it all the time so I could keep resetting it, over and over again. Fortunately, with the Internet not working as well, I had endless time on my hands as I’d nothing else to do, so it was an ideal time for the washing machine to break down. What a brilliant coincidence, I must be the world’s luckiest person! At the time this film was made, there were 237 Scanners on Earth, out of a population of four billion. I feel that ‘special’ right now.
1981 – Certificate: 18 – Canada
This really isn’t that great a movie. The idea is interesting, the exploding head is a bit of cinema history, (I read somewhere that this was the first time this had been seen on the screen) and the ‘epic battle’ at the end is a classic bit of good vs. evil. Unfortunately, a lot of the rest hasn’t aged well; the dialogue sounds stilted, the acting’s wooden and the whole feel of the film makes it seem far older than it is. The scanning process sadly provides plenty of opportunities for some less than high-quality overacting too; mouth full of sticky toffee anyone? The audio tracks on my DVD were all thin, tinny and hissy as well. What’s the point of DTS sound if all that bandwidth is just going to be used on the latter? I guess I’m probably being a bit mean, as this film’s basically just a B-movie that’s had its status elevated beyond a level it’s really comfortable with. On the plus side, the special effects still look pretty good, in a “Thunderbirds” kind of way, even after over 30 years. It’s foreshadowing of the Internet is pretty cool too. If you like a certain type retro-vibe in a film, then this is probably as good as it gets.
Recommended for fans of this sort of stuff; I can’t imagine anyone else getting off on it.
No cat, decapitations or chainsaws. However, there is the famous exploding head, so that’s sort of like a decapitation in a way.
Top badass moment? The whole exploding computer lab scene, from the “no fireworks” comment through to the “oh shit” look of the guy sitting on his ass in the corner, surveying the mess. Trashing your whole organisation’s computer system is badass, although it’s not a move that’s likely to expand your career options greatly. It might be a good time to book an appointment down at the local Job Centre.