Posts tagged “YouTube

Fanaa / Hating Google


Fanaa  -  Front DVD Cover  -  UK ReleaseChoices… to choose between right or wrong is simple, but what defines one’s life is the decision between the greater of two goods or the lesser of two evils.  This is the advice that Zooni Ali Beg (Kajol) receives from her father just as she is about to venture out into the world on her own for the very first time.  Little does she know that these very words will shape her life.  Zooni, a blind Kashmiri girl, meets Rehan Qadri (Aamir Khan), a local tour guide and an incorrigible flirt. Her friends warn her against this good-for-nothing roadside Romeo, but she chooses to ignore them.  It is now her time to discover life, and love.  Is this really the right choice?  Rehan is fascinated by Zooni and wants her to see life as it should be seen, in its many colours.  He promises her that the time spent with him will be the most precious in all her life.  Zooni sees Delhi, life and love like she never has before, because of Rehan.  What Zooni doesn’t know is that Rehan has another side of his life that he has kept from her – something that can not only change her life, but can also destroy it.  Fanaa… destroyed in love…

2006  –  Certificate: 12  –  Indian Film
7.5 out of 10

I’ve had enough.  By this I mean I’ve had enough of Google, that clever little search engine that used to be run by a few fun people somewhere in California; a gang of outsiders, rebels fighting the ‘corporate system’ and using ‘new media’ to make their point.  However, Google now IS that corporate system and I’ve decided I hate it.  It’s officially become the first Spawn of the Devil of 2014.  From this point forward I won’t use its search engine, I won’t use it’s mapping system, I won’t Google anything, I won’t engage with any of its other, stupid ‘toys’ and I will never, ever, buy or use a smartphone or any other hardware that runs on Android, or anything else it invents in the future.  I despise everything it stands for.  Now, at this point you might be wondering, why?  Well, much to my disgust and with no notice whatsoever, it’s closed my YouTube account.  Even worse, its crap customer service is about as much use as a Ferrari 458 Speciale (and what a pretentious name that is) in the Somerset Levels right now.  If I get one more cheerful, automated e-mail telling me the good news that my account is fine and I just need to change my password if I can’t log in (and that’s not the problem you mindless cretins, as I’ve told you more than once), I will personally kill every cute, small puppy I come across with a version of Android’s Operating System.  I’ll become known as the Stupidly Named Food Themed Operating System Serial Puppy Killer.  Fucking Google can fucking fuck off and die, painfully.  The sooner Satya Nadella crushes this aggravating little upstart, the better.  Then we can go back to a world of Microsoft vs Apple and not worry about the slimy, data stealing evil empire that thinks giving us a few stupid pictures of our own street is payment for all its underhand and nefarious activities; which is somewhat ironically more than it pays in taxes.  It knows more about you than you do.  But don’t take my word for it, just Google (bollocks, it’s hard to get out of the habit) search for “Why Google Is Evil” on Bing.  I imagine my 600 YouTube subscribers are at this very moment planning the sort of campaign of civil disobedience that will make the Arab Spring seem like a bad day in Springfield.  I’m sorry if my rant has crashed Google’s share price but you know what?  I’m glad.  Anyone who’s invested in this dictatorship deserves what they get.

A power spike wrecked the PSU on my computer last Friday, so I’ve had to go and buy a new one and fit it, (a Corsair CX750M if anyone is interested).  It’s the 4th one my current computer’s had.  I was so distressed that I had to go sit down and watch nearly 3 hours of Bollywood style action-romance to recover.  I must confess that I’m getting to like Indian films.  The plot is nearly always sort of the same, random over-the-top song and dance routines break up whatever’s going on and bizarre bits of action suddenly populate the girl-meets-boy-loses-boy-meets-boy-again stuff.   But really, they’re a lot of fun and these days are well made technically.  Anyone that’s not watched a few really ought to try some.  In the same way that some things only become funny with repetition, films like this become entertaining once you’ve watched a few.  Probably best taken with alcohol. 

The trailer’s not bad.  Watch out for those weedy power chords that start 33 seconds in.  Reminds me of The Undertones 4th album.

The music is exactly what you’d expect.  Not saying it’s bad or anything, just that there’s nothing especially interesting about it either.  The silly ‘kid’s song’ “Chanda Chamke” is kind of sweet though.

Recommended for anyone with a visual disability, terrorists, tour guides and dancers.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment?   It’s a huge spoiler, but shooting and killing your husband and the father of your child that you’re totally besotted with, in the back, because he’s a terrorist and going to set off a nuclear bomb and kill millions of people, is about as badass as it gets.

And okay, I know I’ve posted a YouTube link below.  I’m just so fickle.

Fanaa at IMDB (7.2 / 10)
Fanaa at Wikipedia
Fanaa at YouTube

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The Rocker: 4.0 Stars


The Rocker  -  Front DVD Cover (UK)Rainn Wilson (TV’s “The Office An American Workplace”) takes centre stage in this wildly irreverent comedy about living your dreams – and embarrassing your family – at any cost.  Twenty years after being kicked out of his nearly famous ‘80s rock group, Robert “Fish” Fishman (Wilson) gets a hilarious second chance at stardom when he joins his nephew’s high school garage band.  Without missing a beat, Fish vows to reclaim the rock-god throne he always thought he deserved… while taking his much younger band-mates along for the rides of their lives!

2008  –  Certificate: 12  –  USA
Rating Details:  Moderate sex references and infrequent muffled strong language

Today is a special day.  From the mid-late 80s until the mid-late 90s, I didn’t really go to see many gigs; in fact off the top of my head I can only remember one.  Then I went to see China Drum at ULU (University of London Union) and everything changed.  It was the band that singlehandedly reintroduced me to live music.  Then after three albums, China Drum split up and the world became a slightly more crappy place.  It’s been at the top of my “wish they would reform” list for years.  Now, twelve years on, China Drum is playing a gig in February in London.  To say I’m a bit excited is like suggesting the sun is a bit warm.  This movie is about something a little similar.

I’m a bit of a sucker for films about music and bands and I really like Rainn Wilson, so it’s probably no surprise that I enjoyed this one.  There’s nothing especially groundbreaking about it, but it’s fun and at times really very funny; it has some great lines in it.  It just about manages to stay on the right side of becoming a parody à la “Spinal Tap” and Fish remains a likable character.  It seems to get compared to “School of Rock” a lot, but I think this is the better of the two films as it feels (okay slightly) more grounded.  It has a number of clever little references in it to other films and ‘pop culture’ and there’s even a small cameo from Peter Best, The Beatles’ original drummer.  The DVD has loads of extras too.  Highly recommended.

Recommended for people who used to be into music and then ‘grew out of it’, but secretly wishes they hadn’t.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment?  The ending is terribly clichéd, but who doesn’t want to get one over on someone who got one over on them years ago?  There’s nothing like holding a lifelong grudge; even I have one or two.  It’s not the most grown-up way to get rid of the latter, but beating a long-standing nemesis is most certainly badass.  Rock on!

The Rocker at IMDB (6.2/10)


Timer: 4.0 Stars


Timer  -  Front DVD Cover (UK)YouTube has some great tools for analysing the stuff you put up on it.  I had a look today and found out that over the past 16 months, I’ve uploaded 139 videos, nearly all film trailers.  The most popular one is for “Limitless”, which has somehow amassed 67,897 views.  At the moment they get around 3,500 views a day, that’s 2-3 a minute.  It’s not exactly Gangnam Style, but for a nobody loser like me it’s kind of freaky.  However, much more interesting is that by analysing all the data YouTube gives you, you can use it as a targeted dating service.   Around two-thirds of the people who watch my videos are men.  This isn’t perhaps all that surprising, as most are trailers for things with lots of explosions, evil aliens and people being blown to bits in them.  Rather than see this preoccupation with bad things as a flaw in my personality, I consider it to be a key element of my personal anger management routine.  Taking a closer look at the details of the data revealed the exciting news that of the 11,726 visits I’ve had from people in the Philippines, almost 50% are from females.  Clearly, there’s something about me, or at least the films I watch, that appeals to the ladies of that fine land more than anywhere else.  You may say I was clutching at straws, but on noticing this a holiday in the Philippines suddenly became a lot more attractive to me than it had been previously.  There’s just one small issue.  Does anyone know the age of consent in the Philippines?  I only ask this as the largest numbers of viewers from the Philippines are in the 13-17 age group and in fact this is the only group that the female-to-male ratio is tipped in favour of the female component, nearly 3:1 in fact.  Oh well, the system was going so well for a while there too; I guess I’ll be staying at home for Christmas after all.  This film is also about a system that enables you to find your one true love.

2009  –  Certificate: R  –  USA
Rating Details:  Language

I really like this movie.  It’s a romantic comedy with a science fiction based plot, set in the present day.  The story is really quite unique and it also provides you with a great topic to have a ‘pub chat’ about.  If you could, would you want a device that tells you when you meet your one true love and also tells you how long into the future that will happen?  The film explores some of this, but actually it’s really quite an interesting topic to think about.  There aren’t any spaceships, aliens or big explosions in it, but it is a cute, funny and interesting movie to watch.  For a romantic comedy it manages to avoid most of the more clichéd rubbish associated with that type of film and the ending is far from clear until it actually comes along.  It’s not a weepy, but having an emergency packet of tissues on hand might be advisable for the more sensitive out there. Go watch.

Recommended for people who enjoy simple, well-made, fun films.

No cats, decapitations or chainsaws.

Top badass moment?  I don’t really understand the relationship some sisters have with one another; why would I, I’m a bloke and I don’t have a sister?  But the one in this film between two step-sisters is believable, nuanced and ultimately sacrificing and loving.  I’ve no idea if it’s in anyway realistic, but that seems cool enough to be badass to me.

Timer at IMDB (6.5 /10)


The Virginity Hit: 3.5 Stars


The Virginity Hit  -  Front DVD CoverCactus World doesn’t have its own football team, so the population is forced to support England.  This has a couple of drawbacks.  For a start, England never actually wins anything.  (Well that’s not strictly true I know and I was in fact alive when England last won anything, the World Cup in 1966, not that I remember this directly.)  This makes for an ultimately depressing experience.  Even if it did win something we’d find a good reason to trash the whole adventure and ensure that no one got any credit for the achievement.  Secondly, on the odd occasion England win any individual matches, they do so in such a stress-inducing way that it’s been medically proved that it takes three months off the expected life-span of anyone unfortunate enough to witness the event.  It’s only a matter of time before the England Football Team has to carry a big health warning on its strip, like cigarettes. Last night’s 3-2 win against Sweden is proof of this.  When I watch England I have to drink a bottle of strong cider each time it scores a goal, (plus one to start with to prevent, ahem, dehydration); however, drunkenness is rarely a problem.  I like to consider this not as a soft drugs problem, but more as a prescription, a medical thing, to help me deal with big-match stress issues.  (Being made of apples, each bottle of cider also provides me with one of my five-a-day portions of fruit and vegetables, which makes it doubly good.)

2010  –  Certificate: 18  –  USA
Rating Details:  Strong sex and sexualised nudity and frequent drug use

There are so many things to hate and despise about this film. I scarcely know where to start listing them.  However, it’s also far funnier and better than it sounds like it ought to be.  A group of young guys decide to ‘help’ one of their number, Matt, to lose his virginity and to put all the ‘action’ up on YouTube.  I did genuinely feel sorry for Matt, even though he was a bit of a twat; but somehow he was a sympathetic enough character that I found myself on his side.  In fact, for all their unpleasant traits, most of the characters in this movie are really quite likable, most of the time anyway.  The relationships between them and their reactions to what happens feel very natural and help to offset the rest of the nonsense going on. The music works well in the film too, as does the documentary feel.

Recommended for people who aren’t going to get offended by, well, everything in the movie really.

No cats and no decapitations.

Top badass moment?  Matt’s friends collecting money so they can pay his favourite porn star, Sunny Leone (who’s a real porn actress and plays herself in the film), to have sex with him.  How sweet.  True friends like that are hard to come by and are therefore badass.

The Virginity Hit at IMDB (4.4)