Posts tagged “Zombie

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead / Becoming a Master of Time


Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead  -  Front DVD Cover  -  US ReleaseDealing with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, karate student Megumi accompanies a group of older friends on a trip into the woods.  Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that’ll help keep her skinny!  Attacked by a crowd of undead who emerge from an outhouse toilet, the group seek refuge at the home of Dr. Tanaka and his daughter Sachi.  Unbeknownst to them, Tanaka has been conducting experiments on the parasites and the zombies!

2011  –  Certificate: Not Rated  –  Japanese Film
7.0 out of 10

In the distant future, a scientist creates a shock-wave of anti-time, which then travels backwards through history.  Four fragments of a time crystal lost in four different timezones are needed to create a second shock-wave, which will eliminate the first one.  This has nothing to do with this film, but in the last century (1997 to be exact) a game for the PC called Timeshock was released and that was the basic plot.  This was (and still is) an excellent simulation of a pinball machine.  (A lot of the music used in it was written by half of Stiff Little Fingers too.)  I must have played it 1000s of times.   But like many things, as my life moved on (or stagnated to be more accurate) I stopped doing so.  Earlier this year I found out that a new version was being released via a Kickstarter campaign.  So I paid some money and now patiently await the arrival of this update.  However, whilst waiting I thought it would be fun to play the original again.  Despite playing it so often, I’d never quite managed to get all the way through it; occasionally I’d get close, but ultimately mess things up with the result that the Universe was destroyed, which was never very good for my self-esteem.  A few weeks ago I went to see The Wedding Present.  (The fourth best band on the planet.)  I was still a bit ‘buzzy’ when I got home, so I thought I’d play a few games of Timeshock before going to bed.  Despite the darkened room, the early morning hour, my sweat soaked t-shirt and being knackered from my earlier attempts to ‘dance’, I somehow got through to the ‘last bit’, where my meddling always ends up with the destruction of the Universe.  As usual I got off to my usual, panicky, crappy start.  But with the time ticking down I entered one of those oh too rare moments of mental clarity and physical coordination.  Being told I’d saved the Universe and consequently was now a Master of Time, has had a profound effect on my inner being.  I think I now realise what all my life has been preparing me for.  However, it wasn’t this film.

This movie is everything it sounds like it’ll be and a whole lot more.  Consider this though for a moment: there’s a futility in trying to explain the point of certain things.  Wind, fog, dust, wasps, mangos, pizza delivery leaflets, bottled water, slip-covers on DVDs.  This film is another.  It has little in common with either “The Matrix” or “2001: A Space Odyssey”.  But on a very primitive level it is quite entertaining.  In many ways this is the perfect movie and manages to pull together aspects of just about every dodgy Japanese film ever made.  It does have a fair bit of action in it and some (but not all) of the effects are pretty good.  It’s well made for what it is and provides a most entertaining encounter of the most juvenile kind.  From the horrible, 60s style opening credits to the flying battle scene near the end, it manages to cram in enough clichés to make anyone feel a bit queasy.  And I guess it’s simply not possible to fill a whole film with nothing but jokes based on flatulence, (although it does try).  Not surprisingly it maxes out on the official toilet humour scale, but given its title I can’t really imagine anyone watching it would be expecting to get a “Citizen Kane” experience. However, I was struck by the though that just a couple of Rennies could have solved the whole zombie, parasite, bonkers doctor and daughter problem very easily.

Musically the film actually has a decent horror soundtrack.  Maybe the composer wasn’t told all the details?  However the trailer is clearly in on the joke.  Why does the voice over become more and more German as it goes along?

Recommended for would-be models, karate experts, mad scientists and anyone with a digestive illness.

No cats, chainsaws  or decapitations.  However, a number heads explode or get totally squashed; I’d say around a dozen.

Top badass moment?  Megumi fighting the Nekurogedoro queen (or whatever it is) is pretty badass.  Using only the power of her, em, ‘indigestion’, to fly through the air, it’s difficult to imagine anything, ever, could be literally quite as badass as that.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead at IMDB (5.1 / 10)      Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead at Wikipedia      Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead at YouTube


Night of the Comet / Walking to Work


Night of the Comet  -  Front DVD Cover (US Release)It’s the first comet to buzz the planet in 65 million years and everyone seems to be celebrating its imminent arrival!  Everyone, that is, except for Regina Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) and her younger sister Samantha (Kelli Maroney), two valley gals who care more about meteoric fashion trends than celestial phenomena.  But upon daybreak, when the girls discover that they’re the only residents of Los Angeles whom the comet hasn’t either disintegrated or turned into a zombie,  they… well, they go shopping!  But when their day of malling threatens to become a day of the mauling, these two val gals flee with both killer zombies and blood-seeking scientists in hot pursuit!

1984  –  Certificate: PG-13  –  American Film
6.5 out of 10

Over the past year or so, I’ve become somewhat lazy in terms of travelling to and from work.  Using the excuse that “I’m really busy” to justify turning into a fat, sickly, exploitative capitalist, I’ve got into the habit of driving most days.  Fortunately, realising my impending metamorphosis into a fat, middle-aged asshole, along with the fact that at work we’re even more penniless than usual at the moment (it’s a company car), I’ve resolved to do things differently.  Remember kids, ‘smashing the system’ starts at home!  If you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem.  In an effort to save the planet even more than I normally do and increase the likelihood of my still being around to enjoy the fruits of my labour, I’ve started walking into work and home again.  It’s 2.4 miles each way, so when I add a bit extra on for all the staggering I do that results from the exhaustion walking this far causes me, that almost 5 miles a day.  After a week or so I have to report that the main effect has been to make my left knee really sore, although I’m sure the reduction in the amount of driving I’m doing has probably resulted in the reversal of Climate Change and consequentially the crappy, cold weather we’ve been having recently.  I’m really sorry if I’ve spoilt anyone’s holiday.  This film is also about something that has global consequences.

This is a cult movie.  That means a lot of people have convinced themselves that it’s good, whereas in fact it’s pants.  Two young sisters, the tall, attractive but slightly geeky Regina and the out-and-out bimbo Samantha, manage to survive a phenomenon that turns most people turn into a brown dust or a zombie.  (I hate days like that.)  They manage this as one of them had sex with her boyfriend in a cinema, whilst the other had an argument with her mother about something ‘teenage’ that I don’t understand and then spent the night sulking in a garden shed.  Fortunately for them, they then manage to meet up with Lieutenant Commander Chakotay from “Star Trek Voyager”, although he’s a lot younger in it, nearly 400 years or so younger, given the date he was first aboard Voyager.  But it’s definitely Chakotay and not some actor playing his part; the way he reacts to the zombie boy in his parents’ house is just so Star Fleet.  Anyway, the sisters talk bollocks a lot, go shopping and foil a sinister plot of sorts by a group of Government scientists.  With hindsight, I guess it was lucky that their absent father was in the military and taught them how to use a range of guns.  Don’t mess with an armed cheerleader, good advice at any time.  In its defence, this is a fun, über 80s film, which manages to lampoon many others without ever turning into a parody of them.  I guess that makes it a bit of a geeks’ film too.  The fact that one of its two main characters has the top ten scores on a Tempest arcade game, just goes to reinforce my point.  (Tempest was crap; Asteroids was loads better.)  Less impressive is the random survivor that turns up near the end.  He’s driving a Mercedes sports car.  He’s in Los Angeles, almost everyone else is dead and he’s probably got the pick of just about every sports car ever made within a mile of the city centre; and he’s picked a Merc.  That’s so unrealistic, it totally undermines the believability of the whole film…

I like to moan about how rubbish most music is these days is, but in the 80s it was even worse.  This movie features a lot of music from that time period and it’s dire.  Trying to consider that it’s some sort of important cultural landmark and should be preserved, is rather like arguing we should keep a 60’s concrete tower block in place, simply because it’s an example of a certain type of architecture. No, no, no.  The clothes women wore at the time were awful too.

Recommended for airheads, scientists, geeks, bimbos and Star Trek Fans.

No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Top badass moment? When the whole burden of civilisation has fallen upon you, it’s good to see that the Green Cross Code Man’s word still counts for something.  After all, remember what he turned into.  How the once mighty can fall…  Even more badass is the fact that the traffic lights are still working so long after 99.9% of the world’s population has died.

Night of the Comet at IMDB (6.2 / 10)

Night of the Comet at Wikipedia


Virus Threatens to Wipe Out All Life in Cactus World!


God no, I’ve got another gig induced cold.  As usual it’s the worst cold anyone has ever had, ever; even surpassing my own personal Worst Ever Cold, which was the last one I had of course. At least I’ve worked out why I never get ill other than colds; because nothing can bloody well find a way to infect me because a cold has always got to me first!*

*Incidentally, I’ve not idea if statement is medically accurate or not, but I never get sick with anything ever, except colds.  However, in the weakened, pitiful state I find myself in right now, this thought gives me some comfort, as I sink into a hazy twilight of pain and misery, combined with all the dance-floor moves and vocal attack of a zombie.  I guess I’ll soldier on somehow, without making too much of a fuss; I’m not one to cause any bother or over-dramatise things.

Incidentally, in an evolutionary sense, what is the point of the common cold?  Like wasps, they just appear to exist to piss people off, me mainly I think.

And just in case anyone has thought it, what I have is no way anything like Man Flu.  Man Flu is a bit of harmless fun, whereas what I have is probably new to medical science and Extremely Dangerous to all life on Earth, just like my last cold was, probably.  But here’s an amusing little video all about Man Flu, by Punks Not Dad.

Right now I’m listening to “4Q” by Blitz.